Nearing the end

[matril]

Palpatine’s chambers

Yoda enters, pins some “Force-punch me” signs to the Red Guards’ backs and proceeds to Force-punch them senseless.

YODA
Greetings, Emperor. Or should I say “Darth Sidious”?

PALPATINE
Actually, I prefer “Palpy.”

YODA
Okay, Palpy. Kill you, I will!

PALPATINE
Yes, I will kill you. Or did you mean you’ll kill me? I admit this backwards speech has me frankly baffled. Did you get dropped on the head as a child or something?

YODA
My native speech, this is! Insulted my heritage, you have! Die, you must! (Mutters) Or at least take a course in cultural sensitivity...

They fight.

Mustafar

As Anakin and Obi-Wan duel, they wreak havoc on the Mustafarian machinery and end up floating on little barges on the lava

ANAKIN
Master?

OBI-WAN
Yes?

ANAKIN
Why aren’t we dead?

OBI-WAN
This is magic lava. It only hurts you if you actually fall in it.

ANAKIN
Right...

OBI-WAN
All right, all right...suspension of disbelief, okay?

ANAKIN
I can handle that. Say, maybe we should stop.

OBI-WAN
Are you crazy? As soon as we stop we have to go and deal with Padmé in labor! I’m putting that off as long as possible.

ANAKIN
But I don’t think Threepio would be very good at delivering babies.

OBI-WAN
Don’t worry; Artoo can convert into a registered nurse/midwifebot.

ANAKIN
Well, that’s a relief. Still...

Coruscant
Yoda and Palpatine duel and accidentally end up in the Senate chamber.

YODA
Accidentally, you say? Poodu, that is! Planned this, I did!

PALPATINE
What do you mean?

From the thousands of Senate boxes, Senators leap up and shout “SURPRISE!” They break into a chorus of “Happy Birthday.” Palpatine looks around and bursts into tears.

PALPATINE
Oh, you shouldn’t have! (Greedily) Where’s the cake?

YODA
Here, the cake is! (He throws a cake in Palpatine’s face) Heheh!

SENATORS
(Mechanically) Heheheheh!

PALPATINE
(Muffled through the cake) Why, you! (He waves his hand around wildly) You will forget all about this humiliation!

SENATORS
We will forget all about this humiliation. (They blink in confusion, then leave the Senate Chamber)

PALPATINE
You will pay for this outrage!

They fight.

YODA
A close fight, this is...a wager, do you care to make?

PALPATINE
You can’t gamble on something you’re participating in! That’s dirty!

YODA
Look who’s talking, you will, Mr. Sith Lord.

PALPATINE
All right, all right...I’ll bet a hundred credits you die in horrible agony.

YODA
Not a chance, there is. Hmmm...Two hundred credits, I bet, that chicken out, I will, and crawl into hiding through a ventilation duct, I do.

PALPATINE
Hah! You’re on!

They fight. Yoda falls far below, chickens out and crawls into hiding through a ventilation duct, cackling about his two hundred credits.

YODA
(To Bail) Ready?

BAIL
No!

YODA
Well, drowning your voice out, your music is, but ready, I assume you are. (He jumps and falls hard in Bail’s speeder far below)

YODA
Ow! (Force-hits the radio till it breaks) Cursed music, this is. A massive bet, I have won! But collect it, I dare not...to a murky swamp planet I must go...in a cramped hut I must live...two more movies, I must appear in.

Mustafar

OBI-WAN
(Landing neatly on a spot of ground) HA! I win!

ANAKIN
No, now you’re the one who has to go deal with Padmé. So ha!

OBI-WAN
But don’t you want to see Padmé?

ANAKIN
Yeah, I guess...(He prepares to leap)

OBI-WAN
Anakin...I have a confession to make...

ANAKIN
(Crouches to leap) What is it?

OBI-WAN
While I was on Utapau...

ANAKIN
(Begins to jump) Yes?

OBI-WAN
I joined the Dismemberment League...

ANAKIN
(Mid-jump) And?

OBI-WAN
And if I don’t meet my quota...

ANAKIN
(About to land) Quota?

OBI-WAN
They’ll kick me out...so...sorry about this...(chops off Anakin’s remaining limbs)

ANAKIN
Ow! Ow! Ow!! Oh, I am in such pain! Words can’t describe the pain I’m in!

OBI-WAN
Actually, the lightsaber should work pretty well to cut off all feeling nerve-endings.

ANAKIN
Oh. Well, in that case, I’m pleasantly numb. But still pretty mad at you.

OBI-WAN
Yeah, I’m really sorry about that. But hey, things can hardly get worse now, can they? (Anakin catches fire) Oh. I guess so...

ANAKIN
Aiee!! My hair! My beautiful, beautiful hair!

OBI-WAN
Wow, that must really hurt.

ANAKIN
Yeah. Now I’m definitely mad at you. In fact, I’d even go so far as to say I hate you.

OBI-WAN
That’s a pity. You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.

ANAKIN
Wait a second, wait a second...you were my brother? Well, that’s just about the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. I mean, I’m pretty sure my mother never had any other children...unless you mean you were also conceived by midichlorians?

OBI-WAN
Metaphor, Anakin. Metaphor.

ANAKIN
Well, excuse me for not being the most brilliant person at the moment, seeing as how I’ve lost all my limbs and caught fire and had half my skin burned off.

OBI-WAN
Sorry. Well, I’ll be back with a medical kit.

ANAKIN
Really?

OBI-WAN
Sure. Just don’t move.

ANAKIN
Not much danger of that. Seeing as how I’m LEGLESS and all that.

Coruscant
PALPATINE
(To his fat blue ugly aide) So did ya find him?

AIDE
Er...no. Sorry.

PALPATINE
What! He can’t possibly be dead. Nobody’s body disappears when they die!

QUI-GON’S GHOST
Actually...

PALPATINE
Shut up! That son of a gun went and chickened out just like he bet he would, and now I owe him two hundred credits...say! You know, maybe it’s better if we don’t find him.

AIDE
Sir?

PALPATINE
Ahem. Well, I gotta go...that apprentice of mine has gone and lost all his limbs or something.

Mustafar

THREEPIO
Oh, Master Obi-Wan! Miss Padmé seems to be in considerable distress!

OBI-WAN
Just a sec. I gotta get the medical kit.

Meanwhile, on the lava plains...

ANAKIN
Groan.

PALPATINE
There you are! What mess have you gotten yourself into this time?

ANAKIN
Moan.

PALPATINE
Well, never mind, let’s be off. Oh, you seem to have lost your legs...hmm. Medic!

They cart Anakin off. Obi-Wan comes back.

OBI-WAN
Hey! I specifically told him not to move! Where did he go? More importantly, how?? (Trudges back to the ship)

PADME
Obi-Wan...is Anakin all right?

OBI-WAN
Er...well, let’s just say he’d give an arm and a leg to be here right now. Maybe even two legs.

PADME
You're a very sick man.

Comments

[lazypadawan.livejournal.com]

Alas, poor Anakin's hair!