Remember this thing?

[matril]

I need to just finish posting this. Here's a big long chunk to get things moving.


Senate chamber

PALPATINE
And, in conclusion, popularity isn’t everything, but it’s pretty important to a little kid...which is why I’ve spent the rest of my life determined to make people love me. (He sniffles) It’s the least a poor, lonely, friendless kid could ask for...

SENATORS
(Chanting as one) EMPEROR!! EMPEROR!! EMPEROR!!

PALPATINE
(Acting surprised) Why, me? I couldn’t possibly...all right, I accept!

PADME
(Waking up with a start, glancing at Bail, who is still sleeping) So this is how liberty dies...to thunderous snoring.

JAR JAR
Mesa have no lines in dis movie!

Jedi Temple corridor
OBI-WAN
Ugh, what a mess...

YODA
A game of dress-up, it would seem. A violent game of dress-up.

OBI-WAN
Who? Who could have done this?

YODA
Younglings. Bet my life on it, I would.

OBI-WAN
You’ve done enough betting for today, Master. You already had to pay a fortune for counting on Jocasta as the Sith Lord.

In the room with all the records and stuff

OBI-WAN
Wait...I gotta see something...

YODA
If into the security recordings you – never mind, that sentence is way too long to attempt backwards. Just don’t go there.

OBI-WAN
Why? Scared of losing yet another bet?

YODA
Trust me, you don’t want to see it.

HOLOGRAM OF SIDIOUS
(To Anakin, bruised, battered and dressed like a woman)
Lord Vader...I’m guessing things didn’t go quite as planned.

ANAKIN
It wasn’t my fault! Really! The clonetroopers – younglings –

PALPATINE
I’m starting to have second thoughts about your abilities…

ANAKIN
(Fabricating frantically) It was – monsters! Yeah, that’s right – big, hairy monsters – at least a hundred of ‘em! I tried to fight them off – I got through half of them – but in the end it was too much, and they –

PALPATINE
Dressed you in woman’s clothing?

ANAKIN
Erm...yes.

PALPATINE
(Sighing) Just go to the Separatists. (Mutters) Maybe you’ll all kill each other – that would make things a lot easier for me...

OBI-WAN
Well, I’m a little confused by the feather boa and floppy hat, but it would seem that Anakin has turned to the Dark Side. Oh, and Palaptine was evil all along. (He pauses, digesting it.) NOO!!!!!!!! That idiot! I specifically told him not to turn evil, and here he goes and does it anyway.

YODA
Let’s see...(counts) One, two. Two Jedi. And...two Sith. Hey! Evenly matched, we are! Go kill, Palaptine, I will. Go kill what’s-his-name, you will.

OBI-WAN
Um...Yoda? You’re talking about Anakin, the boy I trained! My friend and brother!

YODA
Gone, Anakin is. Consumed by this...Darth Vader.

OBI-WAN
Well, that’s a really convenient way of looking at it. Anakin’s dead and Darth Vader killed him. Sure...if you lived in Bizarro World!

YODA
Come around to my way of thinking, you will.

Padmé’s apartment

OBI-WAN
And when did you see him last?

PADME
Er...yesterday...but he didn’t tell me anything...nope, not where he was going or anything...especially not Mustafar...

OBI-WAN
Has Anakin been teaching you his unique brand of lying?

PADME
It kind of rubs off on you.

OBI-WAN
Well, I have to find him.

PADME
Why?

OBI-WAN
This won’t be easy...

PADME
Are you talking about how he’s turned to the Dark Side?

OBI-WAN
Why, yes! How’d you know?

PADME
Remember how Anakin lies?

OBI-WAN
Right. Well, where is he?

PADME
Musta – wait – are you going to kill him?

OBI-WAN
It’s kind of in my contract. “Must kill all and any Sith.” Sorry.

PADME
Well, he may be evil, but I still love him.

OBI-WAN
Hey...you two haven’t – wait a second – (looks at Padmé’s enormous stomach)

PADME
Yeah, you finally caught on.

OBI-WAN
Golly, I’m sorry. Um...Anakin is the father, isn’t he?

PADME
Beyond reasonable doubt. Why?

OBI-WAN
Just checking. Whew! See you later.

Landing Platform

TYPHO
M’lady, I must object! I was going to come along and have a cool action scene!

PADME
Sorry, Typho. We’ve already practically reached the blood and guts quota for this movie, and we haven’t even reached the climax yet! Besides, there’s a Jedi sneaking aboard right now who can protect me if the need arises.

OBI-WAN
Curses! Spotted again!

Cockpit

THREEPIO
Do you know, I think I’m getting used this flying thing. (Ship lurches, and Threepio puts a hand to his mouth, then goes off to a corner to vomit motor oil) Never mind.

Obi-Wan hides himself in a closet, smashing his fingers in the door.

OBI-WAN
OW!

THREEPIO
(In cockpit) What was that?

PADME
Just Obi-Wan. Pay it no heed.

Mustafar

Ship lands. Padmé, in cockpit, puts a hand to her head, then sees Anakin running towards the ship.

PADME
Threepio, go tell Obi-Wan we’ve landed, all right?

Padmé and Anakin embrace. Padmé wrinkles her nose

ANAKIN
I know, I know. First sweat, then smoke, and now sulfur and brimstone. So sue me – there aren’t a whole lot of Laundromats on this planet.

PADME
Anakin...Obi-Wan tells me –

ANAKIN
(Explodes) OBI-WAN!!!! What’s all this about Obi-Wan? You’ve been getting pretty close to Obi-Wan, if you ask me! In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if that baby’s really –

PADME
Hmm...I was going to give you a chance, but it’s pretty clear you’ve gone off the deep end, so – see ya!

ANAKIN
No, wait! I’m really, really strong! I’m going to kill Palpatine and rule the galaxy! Don’t you wanna rule with me?

PADME
No, thanks. One planet’s quite enough for my taste.

ANAKIN
But Padmé! I did all this for you!

PADME
Kind of a weird way of saying I love you, isn’t it? I mean, I would have been happy with a dozen roses, maybe a nice candlelit dinner...

ANAKIN
Roses can’t save you! Only my new flour can!

PADME
Excuse me?

ANAKIN
Power, sorry. I think I’m getting hearing loss.

PADME
Sorry about that. But I gotta go. Oh, by the way, I brought Obi-Wan along. Are you going to kill him?

ANAKIN
No, but – hey! Obi-Wan again! OBI-WAN! (In blind jealously, he attempts a Force-choke, mis-aims and instead strangles a nearby battle droid.)

PADME
Well, that was kind of useless. I mean, it was already deactivated, wasn’t it?

OBI-WAN
(Hurries off the ship, out of breath) Sorry I’m late. Did I miss anything?

PADME
Just another one of Anakin’s temper tantrums.

ANAKIN
Stop laughing at me! (cries)

PADME
Aw, poor baby! (She goes to him and gives him a hug) I love you and all, but I really gotta go. I think I’m going into labor. (goes on the ship)

ANAKIN
You – you did something bad, I’m sure of it, Obi-Wan!

OBI-WAN
I think you’re a bit confused about who’s doing the bad things, Anakin.

ANAKIN
You will not take her from me!

OBI-WAN
You’re right, I won’t.

ANAKIN
You – you won’t?

OBI-WAN
Of course not. She’s a pregnant woman. They’re a real hassle to have around. I’ll be glad to drop her off wherever you tell me.

ANAKIN
I was really angry at you, but now I can’t exactly remember why.

OBI-WAN
Well, no matter. How about a little sparring?

ANAKIN
Okay!

They fight spectacularly.

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