matril

So I was lying on the couch, and Luke was playing on top of it, and he suddenly fell down right on my chest. He's nearly 40 pounds. I have a dull ache in my chest, nothing crippling, but I'm wondering if I should go to the ER just to quell my paranoid fears that I've bruised my heart muscle or something. Non-serious injuries usually take about six hours of waiting in the ER. I don't know if it's worth it. Blech. It doesn't help that I was up late last night, so I'm very tired and not exactly thinking clearly. In any case I'm going to be very careful where I'm sitting on the couch from now on.

Council chamber

Anakin wanders around, kicking chairs and muttering to himself. Palpatine’s voice: “You do realize that if they kill me, you’ll never know the secret to my good looks?

ANAKIN
Good looks! Huh? Wait...where is that coming from? (He looks around and finds a tape recorder behind a chair) Aha! I knew something fishy was going on here...still...

Padmé’s apartment

Padmé looks out the window

Council Chamber

Anakin looks out the window

ANAKIN
(At the top of his lungs) Padmé? CAN YOU HEAR ME?

PADME
YES!

ANAKIN
IS IT OKAY IF I TURN EVIL?

PADME
IS IT OKAY IF YOU BURN EELS?

ANAKIN
YOU WANT ME TO SPURN WHEELS?

PADME
YOU WANT AN URN OF SEALS?

ANAKIN
FORGET IT! I’M OFF TO PALPATINE’S!

PADME
YOU’RE COUGHING TO PAPA JEAN?

Palpatine’s office

MACE
You’re under arrest! Heehee, I always wanted to say that.

PALPATINE
Whatever are you talking about?

MACE
Well, obviously you’re the Sith Lord.

PALPATINE
Took you long enough! So, was it the mini-red-bladed saber I used as a pointer during Senate slide presentations? Or General Grievous’s number on my speed dial? Or the chorus of men singing an ominous, sinister theme every time I appear?

MACE
Uh...none of the above. I had to have Anakin tell me.

PALPATINE
Well, you’re a regular little detective. You do realize this is treason?

MACE
Leave the nitpicky little details to the Senate.

PALPATINE
I am the Senate!

MACE
Right...we’ll let the prison psychiatrist deal with your little delusions.

PALPATINE
I am the prison psychiatrist!

MACE
Uh-huh...Kitt Fisto – sic him!

PALPATINE
I am Kitt Fisto!

MACE
Well, then you just ran yourself through with a lightsaber.

PALPATINE
Oops...

MACE
Wow, I must have brought the loser Jedi with me – they didn’t last two seconds! Another win for Yoda...

PALPATINE
Don’t worry – if you’re dead, you won’t have to pay him.

MACE
Hey, you’re right! (They fight. Mace breaks the window, and immediately a howling wind drowns out all speech) You are under arrest, my lord!

PALPATINE
I’ve sundered a chest and a board? No, you will die! (Zaps him; Mace blocks with his saber)

ANAKIN
(Running in) Hey, what’s going on here?

PALPATINE
(Turning all wrinkle-faced) No, we don’t have any wrong beer!

MACE
We don’t have a song of fear?

PALPATINE
Anakin, I’m too weak!

ANAKIN
How should I know if an igloo can speak?

MACE
Anakin, don’t listen to him! He is evil!

ANAKIN
Yeah, I know he’s a weasel. But –

MACE
I must kill him!

ANAKIN
Why would you want to drill Tim?

MACE
The Sith shall never rule again!

ANAKIN
The Sith can drool on Kim if they like...but I need him!

MACE
You don’t understand!

ANAKIN
You want me to cut off your hand? Weird...but okay. (Cuts off Mace’s hand)

MACE
AAAGHHH!!!

PALPATINE
(Zaps him dead) POWER! Unlimited POWER!!

ANAKIN
Unlimited flour? What, are you baking a whole lot of cakes? You know...I’m starting to think I ought to get my hearing checked.

PALPATINE
(Seals the window shut) There. (Wind ceases)

ANAKIN
That’s much better. Wait a second...you just killed Mace! And darn it, I helped!

PALPATINE
Don’t feel bad. Remember, Sith good, Jedi bad?

ANAKIN
Wasn’t it the other way around?

PALPATINE
I can’t imagine why you would ever think that.

ANAKIN
Uh...I forget. Well, teach me how to do that zappy thing. Oh, and how to stop death. Oh, and how to bake a good cake.

PALPATINE
It was power, not flour! Never mind. I’m going to give you a cooler name. Let’s see...Darth...Vader! Lord Vader? (Anakin looks around curiously, as though wondering who he’s talking to) Lord Vader! Ahem...Anakin, Vader is your name now. When I say “Vader,” I want you to smile and nod, all right?

ANAKIN
‘Kay.

PALPATINE
Lord Vader!

ANAKIN
(Looks blank)

PALPATINE
Lord VADER!!

ANAKIN
(Still looks blank)

PALPATINE
(Sighs) All right, Anakin, when I say “Vader” and wink at you, you smile and nod, okay?

ANAKIN
Sure!

PALPATINE
Lord Vader! (Winks hugely)

ANAKIN
(Nothing)

Time elapses...

PALPATINE
(Wearily) Now, Anakin...when I say “Vader” and wink at you and clear my throat, and step on your foot, I want you to smile and nod, all right?

ANAKIN
Okay!

PALPATINE
Lord Vader! (Winks, clears throat, treads heavily on Anakin’s foot)

ANAKIN
(Blinks, looks blank, then, in a loud stage whisper to Kit Fisto’s body) I think he’s talking to you!

PALPATINE
FORGET IT!! Never mind, never mind...let’s just get on with it. I need you to massacre the Jedi. Is that all right with you?

ANAKIN
(Whining) But I wanted to learn that lightning stuff!

PALPATINE
(Sternly) There’ll be plenty of time to zap your friends when your chores are done. Now, go to the Jedi Temple and make sure they all die in the most painful way possible.

ANAKIN
And then I can learn to go all zappy?

PALPATINE
(Sighs) Yes, Anakin.

ANAKIN
Yipee!