And more ROTFO

[matril]

Palpatine’s Chambers
PALPATINE
And, in short, the Jedi are definitely evil. Yup. No doubt about it.

ANAKIN
Seems pretty plausible to me.

PALPATINE
So – I need your help, son. I need you to be the eyes and ears of the Republic. If you want, you can be the Republic’s nose too.

ANAKIN
How about its eyebrows? Ooo, and its elbows and femur bones?

PALPATINE
Sure, okay. I’m appointing you to be my special representative on the Jedi Council.

ANAKIN
Me, a Jedi Master? I...I’m overwhelmed.

PALPATINE
Ha! You, a Master? I didn’t say anything about that! Oh, well, if it makes you happy...and if it builds even more antagonism between you and the Council...all the better...(cackles) Sure, why not?

ANAKIN
Yippee!

Jedi Council Chamber
YODA
Take this appointment lightly, we do not. Very hard to find another matching chair, it was.

ANAKIN
I understand. Frown and look serious and all, I don’t care – I’m gonna be a Jedi Master! Ha! Took you 200 years to get here, didn’t it, Master Yoda? Ha ha! (Does a victory dance)

MACE
Ahem. You will be on this Council, but you will not be a Master.

ANAKIN
WHAT? That’s outrageous! (He throws himself on the ground and begins having a full-fledged temper tantrum)

MACE
Sit down, Anakin.

ANAKIN
Okay. (Mutters) Stupid snotty council...

KI-ADI’S HOLOGRAM
So, pretending to ignore Anakin’s childish outburst, we were saying?

YODA
Right. Go to Kashyyk, I will. Like me, the Wookiees do. Make them feel even taller, I do. Very short, I am.

Jedi Temple Corridor
ANAKIN
I can’t believe it! How can they put me on the Council and not make me a Master!

OBI-WAN
Like this: “Anakin, we’re putting you on the Council, but we’re not making you a Master.” Seems pretty straightforward to me.

ANAKIN
It’s insulting. It’s rude. It’s patronizing and condescending. It’s downright unconscionable. It's - it's - a whole lot of things. I need a dictionary.

OBI-WAN
Um, Anakin...

ANAKIN
Never mind.

OBI-WAN
Anakin, don’t be such a baby. No one your age has ever been on the Council. It’s a great honor.

ANAKIN
What about my age? All I heard, ever since I got here – “He’s too old, he’s too old, he’s too old” – and now what? I’m too young, huh? What am I supposed to do, grow backwards? Well, I’m all growed-up now, and –

OBI-WAN
(Laughing) Growed-up?

ANAKIN
I mean – hey – don’t laugh at me! (Starts to cry)

OBI-WAN
Now, now, Anakin. So...er...you’re pretty chummy with Palaptine, right?

ANAKIN
(Suspiciously) Yeah...

OBI-WAN
Well, the Council was wondering if...maybe...if you could...

ANAKIN
What?

OBI-WAN
Blah! I’m no good at this subtlety stuff. Spy on him.

ANAKIN
Excuse me?

OBI-WAN
We’re kind of thinking Palpatine might be, well, evil.

ANAKIN
Palpatine? Nah. Besides, you can’t ask me to spy on my friend and mentor.

OBI-WAN
Hey! I thought I was your friend and mentor! (Starts crying) After I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me...dumping me for some wrinkly old guy who never even –

ANAKIN
Fine, fine, you’re my friend and mentor and Palpatine’s just some guy. Happy?

OBI-WAN
Yay! So are you going to spy on him?

ANAKIN
Argh!

Transport ship
OBI-WAN
Anakin did not take well to his new assignment.

MACE
Well, no one likes cleaning toilets, but someone has to tidy up the Council washroom.

OBI-WAN
I mean the whole spying thing.

MACE
Oh. Yeah, it’s very dangerous putting the two of them together. I don’t trust him.

OBI-WAN
I agree. Palpatine’s pretty shifty-looking. I think he might even be evil.

MACE
No, not him!

OBI-WAN
You mean Anakin? That’s my old apprentice you’re talking about. You know, the Chosen One and all?

MACE
No, not him either! (Lowers his voice) It’s the transport driver. Don’t like the way he looks. Really sleazy, you know?

OBI-WAN
Right... Didn’t you have all that confidence in Anakin before, with the prophecy and all? What changed?

MACE
It’s the hair. Never could trust a guy with long hair. (Low voice again) Like the driver.

OBI-WAN
Uh-huh. Well, not everyone looks good bald, you know.

MACE
(Rubs his head, grinning) Yeah, I know.

YODA
(Rubbing his own balding head thoughtfully) Shave my head, should I?

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