matril

The world has been flooded in pink. Gah, I feel like I'm in Madame Puddifoot's. Oh, well. I considered which pairing to write a fluff fic for, and of course my first choice would be Anakin and Padmé, but I didn't want Han and Leia left out in the cold (and it's pretty darn freezing out; we're being blizzarded here in Boston) so I conveniently thought of a way to include both of them. :D Enjoy!

Looking Back

Sola had a warm, matronly face, but her eyes danced almost girlishly as she led Leia on a tour of the bedroom. "Somtimes during Padmé's visits, when she was on leave from the capital, we'd sit here on the bed and stay up all night talking." Sola touched the bedstead fondly. "We'd chatter on about fashion, boys, silly things...anything but politics."

Leia walked to a wall lined with pictures. She gazed intently at each image of her mother, memorizing her features, catching resemblences with her own face as well as Luke's. Sometimes Padmé was smiling; sometime she was very serious. Leia wondered if any of them had been from the time when she was married to Anakin. Or if any of them really captured who she was.

Sola sighed as she joined Leia at the wall. "Mother and Father haven't changed much about the room since we lost Padmé. It just didn't feel right to use it for anything else." Her eyes fell upon a picture of her sister, hugging children and laughing. "I miss her laugh."

"I'm glad to know she laughed," Leia said quietly. "All I remember is sadness."

"I think she was happy with him," Sola said, after a pause. Leia turned to her aunt with her eyebrows raised.

"Did you know about their marriage?"

"No. I suspected it." Sola sat on the bed, her eyes drifting to another time. "Who could it be but the Jedi? He came here with her, once. She said he was just her bodyguard. Maybe that was true, to start with. But I knew there was something else going on." She smiled wistfully. "Sisterly intuition, I suppose. I never tried to pry it out of her. Being in love with a Jedi - it could only mean trouble." Sola looked at Leia and finished, "Still, she was happy with him. I'm sure of that."

"Mmm." Leia didn't know what to say. She was hesitant to delve any deeper, particularly when Sola wasn't aware of the full story about Anakin. Leia was far from comfortable with it herself.

Footsteps at the doorway made both of them turn. It was Han, poking his head in. "Hope I'm not intruding on your aunt-and-niece bonding."

Leia went to him, smiling. "You can't be intruding. You're part of the family."

Han looked simultaneously happy and embarrassed, which he tried to cover up with a sideways smile. "We found something that will probably interest you."

"And what is that?"

He cocked his head. "Come on. I'll show you."

Beckoning for Sola to come along, Leia linked her arm through Han's and they walked together down the hallway. Just outside the kitchen, the droids were working at a data console built into the wall. Artoo noticed their approach and began chirruping excitedly.

"Oh, Mistress Leia!" Threepio greeted her with the same excitement. "You will be quite pleased with this." He indicated the console. "It would seem that your mother used this as a waypost for all of her communications with your father. We will be able to pull up the records for you to see."

Leia's heartbeat suddenly quickened. "How is that possible?" she managed to ask, while her mind raced with other questions. Did she want to see the records? Would they cause more pain than happiness?

"I certainly never knew about it," Sola put in. "And I use this console all the time. So do my parents."

"Using this console was a way of making sure the message wouldn't be traced," Han explained. "If she had used anything on Coruscant, someone probably would have discovered it. Communications on Naboo weren't monitored nearly as closely, so it was safer. And she used multiple encryptions. There's no way you could have discovered them," he nodded at Sola.

Leia looked at the console's blinking lights, which suddenly seemed like urgent warning signals. "So Artoo is decoding the encryptions?" she said warily.

"No." Han's expression was somewhat bemused. "He was the one who created the encryptions in the first place."

"Oh." Once more Leia was struck by the strangness of Artoo serving her mother, her father, all those years ago, and then appearing at her side at just the right moment, like a part of her birthright. "I don't know. Private messages. Maybe we should just - leave them alone."

Han put a hand on her shoulder, understanding her reluctance. "If you don't want to..."

"I think your mother would have wanted you to." Sola came to her other side, a solid, comforting presence. "She wouldn't want every memory to have been buried along with her."

Leia took a deep breath, then nodded. "Show us the records, Artoo."

Artoo gave a happy chirp of compliance, then began displaying the messages.

I have to apologize if everything I say sounds too formal. It's the only way of talking that I'm experienced in. Over ten years of practicing proper political-speak...old habits are hard to break...But you've never cared much about eloquence one way or another...as long as it's sincere, that's all that matters to you. That's something I love about you. I miss you, Anakin. It would be bad enough if you were away simply for some diplomatic mission, but a war...knowing that your life could be taken at any moment...

Leia took Han's hand in hers and held it tightly.

It's an odd thing, though...as much as I have all these new worries for your safety now that you've become so precious to me, I'm still happier than I've ever been. I think my greatest fear when we were about to killed on Geonosis was that I would lose you without having any memories to console myself with, only regrets of lost chances. I have memories now. No regrets.

Shutting her eyes tightly against harsh tears, Leia put her head on Han's shoulder. If Padmé had managed to survive the horrible things that Anakin had done, had become, would she still have no regrets?

Sometimes I feel like you've made me younger, where, prior to our marriage, I had been old before my time. I was sitting in a Senate session the other day, and some silly joke we had shared during your last visit came into your thoughts and made me giggle. My handmaidens looked at me as if I were going crazy. I had to stifle it and put on my serious face again. It made that session so much easier to get through. I know Palpatine is your friend, but he...no, I'm not going to discuss anything unpleasant right now....Last night I had trouble falling asleep, so I imagined you were there. You might laugh at this, but I always hesitate to wash the bedclothes right after your visits, because I think I can still catch your smell in them. I need that, sometimes. All of the time. Do you know what? I do hope I made you laugh, just now, or at least smile. I love watching your face transform when something makes you happy. I flatter myself in thinking that it's my doing most of the time. Remarkable, really...an ordinary mortal woman, bringing a powerful Jedi into submission with a single look. Now I know you must be laughing. And you'd say I'm anything but ordinary. Maybe even anything but mortal, but let's be reasonable. I'm as human as anyone. I'm just luckier than other women because I have you...

Leia's breathing slowed, close to normal again. This wasn't as hard as she had feared; indeed, there was something comforting about hearing her mother's tone and voice in these heartfelt words. Parts of her reeled in horror from seeing Anakin as her mother had, when he had later strayed so far from that ideal, but she kept those parts at bay for now.

I'm not going to send this message, Anakin...I want to tell you in person, but I have to get my thoughts out and I want to feel like I'm talking to you. Today I discovered....no, let me go back a few days. I haven't been feeling well lately, but I kept delaying any visits to the med center, I'm not really sure why...I think I knew, deep inside, and I wanted to hide from it...but I've done enough hiding. I'm pregnant. I'm carrying a baby, our child...I'm absolutely terrified when I wonder what's going to happen....but whenever I think of you holding the baby, my fears slip away. It's going to cause so much trouble, this pregnancy, but I can't think of it as a mistake or a problem. It's something...wonderful. I want so much for you to come back so I can tell you, so I can stop having to carry this secret all by myself...and now I'm imagining that something terrible will happen and you won't come back....I can't allow myself to think that...you'll come back...you'll always come back....no matter how far you wander, I know you'll find your way home.

Artoo pulled back from the data console, beeping softly. No translation was needed; clearly, that was the last record.

Tears were falling heavily from Leia's eyes, but they were not harsh this time. It was a great relief to cry, to let Han hold her as her swelling grief spilled out and subsided into calm sorrow. Sola reached over and squeezed her shoulder; even the droids seemed a part of the circle of warmth and consolation that surrounded her.

They would record the messages onto Artoo, so Luke could see them when he returned from Tatooine. And Leia wanted to keep them where she could see them again. Padmé was right. It was a good thing to have memories.

--------
Yikes, that was about as fluffy as a porcupine. :P Eh, I'm a glutton for angst.