Lab Journal Entry #14

[matril]

"Panic"

Int., Tori’s bedroom. TORI is lying back against her pillows. She’s looking healthier, but still emotionally exhausted.

TORI
Hannah isn’t giving me much chance to be alone. I know she means well. She’s probably also following the doctor’s recommendation. (Cut) They...they wondered if I was suicidal. Some of the things I said during my breakdown...well, they could easily guess that my ordeal wasn’t entirely physical.

(Cut) But they have no idea of the full story. No one does. (Pause. TORI takes up mug and has a long drink before continuing.) I don’t think I can tell you all of it right now. I’m still having...flashbacks. (Shudders)

(Cut) I – (shakes head, can’t continue)

(Cut. She swallows) I created –

(Cut. TORI looks straight into the camera) I created a living thing. Out of existing biomaterials. (Shuts eyes, fights back panic attack) One month ago, I brought it to life.

(Cut) Until that moment, I couldn’t see any downsides. All I could see was the incredible potential. To make life. To control every stage of the process. To ensure that nothing would ever be permanently prone to decay or decomposition.

(Shudders) And then the thing drew breath. Opened its eyes. Looked at me.

(Her breathing has become rapid, her eyes are darting) I panicked. I ran. I just couldn’t stay in the same room as that – that creature.

I hardly knew where I was going, but somehow I ended up here, in my home. (Laughs mirthlessly) Good thing it’s in walking distance...there’s no way I could have driven a car safely. I must have succumbed to exhaustion at some point, though I don’t remember falling asleep. (Rubs face, clawing at her cheeks unconsciously) I woke up to someone knocking at the door – Hannah.

I don’t think anything I said made sense to her. She tried to get me to calm down, but all I could think about was getting back to my lab. I don’t know which terrified me more – the thought of seeing it again, or the possibility that it might be gone. She finally agreed to take me there.

(Cut. TORI’s panic is reaching its apex) It was gone. I stood there, staring at the empty laboratory, half-wondering if it had only been a nightmare. But the equipment – it was still in position, just as I’d abandoned it the night before. There was this awful tangled feeling of relief and horror. Relief that Hannah hadn’t seen it – but imagining what would happen now that it was out there somewhere – it was just too much.

That’s when I collapsed. I woke up several days later in the hospital.

(Cut. Very quiet) I’m not suicidal. I can’t afford to die. I have to get better. Then I have to find it. And undo my mistake.