Romeo and Juliet for Dummies
Mar. 14th, 2009 10:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matrilJust something I scribbled out this morning as a kind of antidote for all the heavy-duty serious writing and revising I've been subjecting myself to. :)
Prologue: Two households, both alike in dignity – Dignity? Are you kidding me? That’s got to be meant ironically. Oh, and major spoiler alert: Romeo and Juliet die at the end. Sorry. Anyway, two households, both moronic if you ask me. But nobody asks me. No one cares about the prologue reader. This whole spiel could be cut out entirely and no one would miss it –
--
Servants of Montague and Capulet: Nyaah! Our masters hate each other and we’re following them mindlessly! Nyaah!
Prince: Sigh. Just stop, okay?
--
Romeo: Rosalind, Rosalind, Rosalind! Waaah!
Mercutio: Why do I hang out with you?
--
Capulet: Hey, Paris, awesome news. I’m going to let you marry my daughter.
Paris: Isn’t she kind of young? And why do I feel doomed?
--
Romeo: Mercutio, I only let you drag me to this party on the chance of seeing Rosalind. Oh, Rosalind! My heart is forever yours! I can think of no other woman. Rosalind, Rosalind, Rosalind – ooo, who is that?
Mercutio: Again, why do I hang out with you?
Romeo: Hey, baby.
Juliet: Hee hee hee. I’m thirteen, so your lines seem fresh and smooth to me.
Romeo: I’m a Montague.
Juliet: Ooo, forbidden. Now I’m really turned on.
--
Romeo: Look, it’s the east, and Juliet is the sun. What I’m saying is, I’m really horny and Rosalind wouldn’t give me any. Ya know, maiden moon goddess versus the sun? But you go on thinking I’m spouting romantic poetry.
Juliet: Romeo, Romeo, why are you Romeo? (That’s a translation for those of you who think “wherefore” is just “where” with a misspelled “for” tacked on it). Of course I’m really asking why you’re a Montague, but it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. Romeo's an okay name, I guess. But why can't you be someone else?
Romeo: Well, I -
Juliet: Gaah! That was a rhetorical question! I didn’t know you were skulking around my yard.
Romeo: So are you gonna give me some, or what?
Juliet: Oh...let’s not be rash or anything. Hey, I have a better idea. Let’s get married!!
Nurse: I totally support this because I’m even stupider than the two of you.
--
Friar: I now pronounce you a pair of ninnies. Listen, kids, I’m only doing this in the hopes of ending that stupid feud between your parents, so if you could just keep out of trouble for a day or two –
Romeo: Hey, Juliet, I kind of accidentally-on purpose killed your cousin.
Friar: Crud.
--
Prince: Go away, Romeo.
Romeo: Waah!
Friar: Calm down, this is still salvageable. Just don’t do anything until you get word from me. Do you understand? Don’t do anything.
Romeo: Right, do anything, I get it.
Friar: Sigh.
--
Capulet: You seem inexplicably sad, Juliet. I know what’ll cheer you up – marrying Paris!
Juliet: Waaaaah!
Capulet: You seem inexplicably hysterical. Well, you’re marrying Paris and that’s final.
Nurse: I am now totally in support of your father even though it means you will have two husbands.
--
Juliet: Waaah!
Friar: Calm down, this is still salvageable. Here, take this poison – er, potion. It’ll make you look dead.
Juliet: By “look dead,” you don’t mean “be dead,” do you?
Friar: Just trust me.
Juliet: Waaah! (Fake dies)
--
Balthazar: Hey, Romeo, I’m a plot contrivance sent to ruin everything. Juliet’s dead.
Romeo: Waaaaaah! Well, time to break out the poison. I’m acting on impulse, seeing as how that’s served me soooo well thus far.
Paris: I’m a decent guy, and I’m only trying to protect Juliet’s corpse from the guy who killed her cousin, but I’m standing between you and your dead lover...so I’m doomed.
Romeo: I don’t know who you are and I’m going to kill you. Ah, Juliet! How ironically not dead you seem! I’m going to drag out my soliloquy just long enough to tease the audience, and then die. (Really dies).
Friar: No offense, Juliet, but you married a moron.
Juliet: Why don’t you go...er...somewhere...yeah. Oh, Romeo! Why did you have to act on impulse without thinking? To feel better about it, I’m going to rashly kill myself without any deliberation on the matter. (Really dies).
Prince: This is all your fault, and mine! Everybody’s to blame except the two people who did everything.
Montague and Capulet: Well, it’s about time we ended this feud.
Friar: Hey! It worked! It’s a happy ending after all.
Prologue: Two households, both alike in dignity – Dignity? Are you kidding me? That’s got to be meant ironically. Oh, and major spoiler alert: Romeo and Juliet die at the end. Sorry. Anyway, two households, both moronic if you ask me. But nobody asks me. No one cares about the prologue reader. This whole spiel could be cut out entirely and no one would miss it –
--
Servants of Montague and Capulet: Nyaah! Our masters hate each other and we’re following them mindlessly! Nyaah!
Prince: Sigh. Just stop, okay?
--
Romeo: Rosalind, Rosalind, Rosalind! Waaah!
Mercutio: Why do I hang out with you?
--
Capulet: Hey, Paris, awesome news. I’m going to let you marry my daughter.
Paris: Isn’t she kind of young? And why do I feel doomed?
--
Romeo: Mercutio, I only let you drag me to this party on the chance of seeing Rosalind. Oh, Rosalind! My heart is forever yours! I can think of no other woman. Rosalind, Rosalind, Rosalind – ooo, who is that?
Mercutio: Again, why do I hang out with you?
Romeo: Hey, baby.
Juliet: Hee hee hee. I’m thirteen, so your lines seem fresh and smooth to me.
Romeo: I’m a Montague.
Juliet: Ooo, forbidden. Now I’m really turned on.
--
Romeo: Look, it’s the east, and Juliet is the sun. What I’m saying is, I’m really horny and Rosalind wouldn’t give me any. Ya know, maiden moon goddess versus the sun? But you go on thinking I’m spouting romantic poetry.
Juliet: Romeo, Romeo, why are you Romeo? (That’s a translation for those of you who think “wherefore” is just “where” with a misspelled “for” tacked on it). Of course I’m really asking why you’re a Montague, but it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. Romeo's an okay name, I guess. But why can't you be someone else?
Romeo: Well, I -
Juliet: Gaah! That was a rhetorical question! I didn’t know you were skulking around my yard.
Romeo: So are you gonna give me some, or what?
Juliet: Oh...let’s not be rash or anything. Hey, I have a better idea. Let’s get married!!
Nurse: I totally support this because I’m even stupider than the two of you.
--
Friar: I now pronounce you a pair of ninnies. Listen, kids, I’m only doing this in the hopes of ending that stupid feud between your parents, so if you could just keep out of trouble for a day or two –
Romeo: Hey, Juliet, I kind of accidentally-on purpose killed your cousin.
Friar: Crud.
--
Prince: Go away, Romeo.
Romeo: Waah!
Friar: Calm down, this is still salvageable. Just don’t do anything until you get word from me. Do you understand? Don’t do anything.
Romeo: Right, do anything, I get it.
Friar: Sigh.
--
Capulet: You seem inexplicably sad, Juliet. I know what’ll cheer you up – marrying Paris!
Juliet: Waaaaah!
Capulet: You seem inexplicably hysterical. Well, you’re marrying Paris and that’s final.
Nurse: I am now totally in support of your father even though it means you will have two husbands.
--
Juliet: Waaah!
Friar: Calm down, this is still salvageable. Here, take this poison – er, potion. It’ll make you look dead.
Juliet: By “look dead,” you don’t mean “be dead,” do you?
Friar: Just trust me.
Juliet: Waaah! (Fake dies)
--
Balthazar: Hey, Romeo, I’m a plot contrivance sent to ruin everything. Juliet’s dead.
Romeo: Waaaaaah! Well, time to break out the poison. I’m acting on impulse, seeing as how that’s served me soooo well thus far.
Paris: I’m a decent guy, and I’m only trying to protect Juliet’s corpse from the guy who killed her cousin, but I’m standing between you and your dead lover...so I’m doomed.
Romeo: I don’t know who you are and I’m going to kill you. Ah, Juliet! How ironically not dead you seem! I’m going to drag out my soliloquy just long enough to tease the audience, and then die. (Really dies).
Friar: No offense, Juliet, but you married a moron.
Juliet: Why don’t you go...er...somewhere...yeah. Oh, Romeo! Why did you have to act on impulse without thinking? To feel better about it, I’m going to rashly kill myself without any deliberation on the matter. (Really dies).
Prince: This is all your fault, and mine! Everybody’s to blame except the two people who did everything.
Montague and Capulet: Well, it’s about time we ended this feud.
Friar: Hey! It worked! It’s a happy ending after all.
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-15 04:36 am (UTC)I think you just encapsulated an entire school of thought on some social issues, alas. (Shades of Monty Python - "All right, all right, it's a fair cop. But society is to blame.") It may be some consolation to County Paris that in all the productions I've seen (OK, all two) the part with him and Romeo at the tomb is cut for whatever reason. Sometimes, he lives!
BTW, apropos of not much, did you ever see the Baz Luhrmann R&J? I didn't like it very much, but there was one absolutely inspired moment - when Friar Laurence is going to send the message "posthaste" and then you see him mailing something at the Post Haste delivery service. If I ever go into the package delivery business, I am so calling it "Post Haste."
no subject
Date: 2009-03-15 08:09 pm (UTC)But the Post Haste gag is funny. :)