More of the same

[matril]

Utapau
OBI-WAN
Look, R8! Utapau!

R8
(Mutters in droid-speak)

OBI-WAN
You’re not going to die, I promise. What do you mean, “Yeah right?” Oh, so I’m bad news for droids, now? What’s that? “What happened to R5 through 7?” Hey, I’ll have you know I take good care of my droids! I – (While landing, Obi-Wan knocks off R8’s head on a rock outcropping) Aw, poop.

UTAPAU GUY
Greetings, Master Jedi. Good gracious, I’m ugly! Scared my own children out of the nursery this morning...So what brings you to our Blissful Haven of Endless Peace and Contentment?

OBI-WAN
Endless Peace and Contentment? Don’t give me that! I happen to know for a fact that your official planetary sport is Blood ‘n’ Guts Warball, the only game sponsored by the Dismemberment League.

UTAPAU GUY
All right, all right. (Moving very close) He is here. We are being watched.

OBI-WAN
What was that? It sounds like you said “We’re being washed.”

UTAPAU GUY
(Hissing) We’re being watched!

OBI-WAN
I’m sorry, I was distracted by your intense ugliness. We’re what?

UTAPAU GUY
We’re being - (A blast hits him and he topples over)

OBI-WAN
Weird time to go to sleep. Well, I’m gonna look for Grievous, okay? All right.

Coruscant: Palpatine’s office

ANAKIN
Obi-Wan has found Grievous!

PALPATINE
Good! (Cackles) Good! (Cackles louder) Good!!

ANAKIN
There you go again with the cackling.

PALPATINE
Aw, enough with the subtlety. I’m the Sith Lord.

ANAKIN
You’re what now?

PALPATINE
You know, that mysterious Darth Somebody you’ve been looking for? That’s me. Darth Sidious. Evil and clever. Plotting to gain total control of the galaxy.

ANAKIN
(Stares at him, then starts laughing) Good one, Palpatine. Hehehe! What a joker! For a second there you nearly had me, but, come on...

PALPATINE
No, really! I am the Sith Lord!

ANAKIN
(Pats his shoulder) Sure you are. If that makes you feel better.

PALPATINE
(Mutters) But I am...

ANAKIN
Heheh. Always fooling around, aren’t you? But seriously, I mean, you’re not even scary!

PALPATINE
I am too scary!

ANAKIN
Naw. A little creepy, maybe. But that’s just because you’re old and ugly. Not even remotely evil.

PALPATINE
(Zaps him with a bit of lightning) There, are you happy?

ANAKIN
Whoa! You are evil! Hey, can you teach me to do that?

PALPATINE
I – but what about Padmé?

ANAKIN
What about her?

PALPATINE
Your secret wife whose death you dread above all else?

ANAKIN
Oh, right. Yeah, I wanna save her too. But first show me how to do that lightning stuff. Oh, wait, first of all I gotta do something.

PALPATINE
What’s that?

ANAKIN
(Starts down the hallway, shouting back) Gotta tell Mace! He’s gonna be so mad! And all this time he was sure Jar Jar was the Sith Lord!

Utapau

OBI-WAN
Hello there!

GRIEVOUS
And if the blackberries are tart, I like to add just a bit of confectioner’s sugar...

OBI-WAN
Ahem...Hello there!

GRIEVOUS
And to get it just a perfect golden brown – er – hey! When did you get here?

OBI-WAN
Oh, just now...Ms. Grievous.

GRIEVOUS
Er...seize him, guards! No, wait, my guards are hopelessly incompetent and helpless. Seize him, Grievous! Oh, that’s me!

OBI-WAN
Your move!

GRIEVOUS
Knight to E5!

OBI-WAN
You’ve sunk my battleship!

GRIEVOUS
You fool! Count Dooku trained me in your Jedi arts!

OBI-WAN
Ooo...Dooku, whose head is lying in a pit somewhere...now I’m really scared. (He watches as Grievous pulls out four sabers and fours arms and begins waving them about. Within moments, he has neatly chopped off all his own limbs)

OBI-WAN
This scene has been brought to you by the Dismemberment League.

GRIEVOUS
(Limbless) I have a bad feeling about this. (He hops onto his little rolly-thing and hits the controls with his head)

OBI-WAN
(Whistles for Boga) Oh, Boga! (Nothing) Boga! Where are you? (Boga comes at last, the edge of a familiar-looking robe sticking from its mouth) Hey, that looks just like the thing that Utapau guy was wearing! Well, never mind. Follow that cyborg!

He confronts Grievous. A moderately exciting fight ensues. Obi-Wan is pushed off the edge and clutches for his life

OBI-WAN
What is it with these hideous drops? Who designs these deathtraps, anyway?

GRIEVOUS
Ralph McQuarrie.

OBI-WAN
Oh. (He grabs a blaster) Take that, Grievous! And that, and that!

GRIEVOUS
All right, I’m dead already! Leave me alone!

OBI-WAN
No, I want to see you burst into flame and die in an agonizing explosion! Boom, boom, boom!

GRIEVOUS
Ah, the compassionate way of the Jedi. (He explodes)

OBI-WAN
Not nearly uncivilized enough. What I really need is a blunt, rusty switchblade.

Coruscant - Jedi hanger

MACE
Hey, Anakin! Grievous has just gone to that big scrapyard in the sky. We’re gonna go tell Palpatine. I’m absolutely positive he’ll give up his emergency powers without complaint.

ANAKIN
Uh, I don’t think so. (Chortling) Get this! The Sith Lord? It’s Palpatine!

MACE
Get out of town! I had everything riding on Jar Jar! Man, Yoda’s gonna wipe me out!

ANAKIN
Naw, he was betting on Jocasta the librarian. Neither of you had a clue.

MACE
Yeah, I sure didn’t see this one coming. Well, I guess I’d better go arrest him. I’m sure he won’t put up the least bit of a fight.

ANAKIN
Let me come. I can – er – “help” you. Yes...help you.

MACE
No, you go and brood in the Council chamber. I’m sure that’ll resolve all conflicts you may be having.

ANAKIN
But I –

MACE
Stay there! Stay...good Ani.

Comments

[matril.livejournal.com]

Oh, I don't think that's too freakish - Palpatine is meant to be attractive to a certain extent, not necessarily physically, but definitely in his personality. How else could he have won the favor of so many, and concealed so effectively how very evil he really is? Yes, he had the Dark Side to assist him in clouding people's minds, but I think he knew, in general, how to appear very pleasant and noble and such.