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matrilI just randomly felt like it would be fun to look back and chronicle my experience with Internet fandom. Don't know if it'll be of interest to anyone else, but if nothing else I'll have a record to re-read for my own amusement.
If I recall correctly, my first real awareness of the very idea of fandoms came about when my older sister went through a heavy-duty Les Miserables phase. This was probably around 1996 or 97, when we were both in high school. She discovered fansites, and I watched in fascinated bemusement as she encountered hundreds and hundreds of fellow fanatics who had also memorized every lyric, who overanalyzed every character and debated points of opinion with endless passionate fervor. I thought it was pretty nuts, but then, my liking for Les Mis never quite reached that crazed fan level. (Also, I found everyone's super-knowledge a little intimidating. I hadn't read the book three times; how could I possibly keep up without embarrassing myself?)
But then came 1999, and the release of the first Star Wars movie in 16 years. I'd always loved Star Wars, and during a particularly intense phase in my junior high years, I watched the movies enough times to pretty much memorize them. Now the new movie ignited a sort of excitement I'd never known before. I started college that fall (enjoying multiple re-viewings of Episode I at our campus's dollar theater) and eventually became aware of theforce.net, which seemed like a Star Wars fan's dream. A place to gather - virtually at least - with thousands of like-minded fans? Awesome. I lurked there for quite a few months, trying to work up the courage to set up an account on the discussion forums. Even with the relatively safe anonymity of being online, my social anxieties were pretty crippling. I could easily imagine someone making fun of something I wrote, leading of course to my disgraced departure from human company and an exile to a cave somewhere in the mountains.
Instead, I found a discussion thread run by the Royal Handmaiden Society, which not only celebrated a handful of obscure female characters, one of my favorite things to do, but also seemed to consist of some of the nicest, most welcoming people I'd seen thus far online. As long as you professed your liking of Sabé, Rabé and all the others, you'd be just fine. So I made my very first online post there under the handle Cindé of Naboo. I quickly learned the code to use on the keyboard to type the é, and could readily identity which handmaiden was which, as well as which costume corresponded to each scene. (I still can, by the way, because there's a place in the brain explicitly designed to hold nothing but useless information).
Nothing disastrous had happened yet, so it seemed reasonable to venture tentatively outward. I posted here and there in discussions of the new movie, speculations about Episodes II and III, gushing about the glorious John Williams music...it was a giddy experience for me to interact with people who were just as obsessed with the films as I was. I probably neglected my share of homework while spending hours on the Internet, but, well, I still got decent grades, so I hadn't quite reached the level of non-functionality.
And then. I had lurked in the fan fiction forums for a while, awed by the notion that you could write your own in-universe stories and publish them. I was just a little too young to remember the era of fanzines, so this was my first real introduction to fanfic. I had, of course, been writing fics for years without knowing what it was called, or that anyone else did it. I just didn't usually write down what I composed in my head. Now I was reading other people's stuff and thinking "Um, I could write better than this!" So for the first time, I pulled up a new document on the computer and began typing it out.
I mean, it was kind of awful. My first fic was Episode III speculation about Amidala's (Padmé's, but I didn't know what name she'd be going by) estrangement from a Dark-Side Anakin. I called it Cold, in reference to Padmé's Episode I line "Space is cold," and it was dripping with melodramatic overwrought angst. Yikes. Though I hope my writing has improved, my inclinations have stayed pretty much the same. Well over half my SW fanfics fall into the category of Anakin/Padmé angst.
Anyway. I posted it, with considerable trepidation, and I got positive responses! Hey, people liked me and my writing! Wow! It was, to put it lightly, addictive. Writing stories about my adored characters was thrilling; getting immediate enthusiastic praise was even better. I churned out page after page of fanfic all through the summer between my freshman and sophomore year.
They weren't all serious angsty melodrama. There was a kind of Odd Couple spoof I wrote called "Sid and Palpy: the Sith Twins" which ignored the obvious fact that they were the same person, with the brothers fighting constantly and playing elaborate practical jokes on each other (also, there was Sidious's young apprentice, Molly). Total nonsense, and I loved it. I even wrote an extremely goofy parody of Mary Sue self-insert fics wherein I found myself transported to the Star Wars galaxy, and was extremely irritated therewith because I knew all the obnoxious fan fic clichés I would be forced to endure, like falling in love with Obi-Wan. I threw in appearances from my sisters, Papa Smurf, Kermit the Frog, and an increasingly depressed Tooth Fairy. It also included a surprise villain showing up with the Death Star under his control - Jar Jar Binks, who has changed his name to the far more dignified Jar. Evil Jar Jar theorists, take note: I was already toying with that idea back in the year 2000. (I never posted any of its prolonged absurdity, and I'm sorry to say it's lost on an old hard drive somewhere. But I sure had fun with it.)
Then the fic that I might be the most proud of explored a most unlikely character: again, Jar Jar Binks. Trying to stretch a bit from writing my preferred characters, I had attempted a fic from Palpatine's point of view. It wasn't great, but I enjoyed writing it enough that I started casting around for something even more challenging and outside my wheelhouse. Hey...if I could write from the viewpoint of such a maligned character as Jar Jar...if I could do it well enough to even generate some sympathy for him...that would be a worthy challenge indeed. I would write it within the frame of the queen having translated it, to eliminate the potential irritation of his speech patterns, and I would try to really delve into his thought process, the humiliation and terror and confusion he must be experiencing throughout the film.
I had a blast writing Another Point of View. I found myself appreciating his character more myself, and when I got positive responses from readers confessing that they might not really hate him anymore, it was extremely gratifying. I mean, it was tiny drop in an ocean, but whatever. I'll take it. I was proud enough that I included a link to the fic in my signature in all of my posts.
Gradually, my participation in the forums began to drop off. It wasn't deliberate, but there were several factors behind it. First off, I had begun dating my now-husband. Being a fanfic-writing Star Wars freak had certainly helped to gain his notice, as he'd never met a bigger fan than himself before, but once we became a couple, well, it was more fun to hang out with him than on the Internet. Plus, I was a fairly busy college student. And...Star Wars fandom was becoming just a bit frustrating. There seemed a larger and larger chasm between those who loved Episode I and those who didn't, and the bashers tended to be loud, unkind and contemptuous toward the gushers.
The truth was, I didn't know just how lucky I was to have avoided any seriously rancorous or R-rated stuff up to this point. I had entered into my first online fandom in a place that was "family friendly," at least in comparison to the venues that allowed extremely explicit fan fiction and such. I don't think my innocent 18-year-old self was even remotely aware of how, erm, hardcore, fan fiction could be. And I certainly didn't realize at first just how terrifyingly vituperative fandom wars could be. It was becoming more and more obvious that, though we were all Star Wars fans, we were by no means like-minded. It wasn't that I expected everyone to agree with me on every point, but it seemed reasonable not to nastily bash the things that others loved. Others didn't agree. Bit by bit, I posted less on theforce.net forums. I would wander back occasionally, but last I checked a few years back, they had changed the server and my old login didn't work anymore. I'm sad that I can't go back and retrieve the fan fics I don't have saved elsewhere. I think that sort of intense online fandom is....beyond my emotional capacity to cope with. I need to save that intensity for the things that actually matter. I'm in a far different place, being married with three children, than I was as a single college student.
Still, I'll always be a fangirl at heart, and I've found other venues. After drifting through a few different online spots that some of my fellow online SW fans had migrated to after theforce.net, I ended up here on Live Journal. I didn't really go looking for Star Wars groups; I was happy to just friend the people I'd known from other places, plus make a few new ones. It's quiet here, especially now that LJ has become less used in favor of other blogging and social media platforms, but I kind of like it that way (though I do miss the friends who don't really post here anymore.) I also like that I can post anything I want, sometimes Star Wars, sometimes Harry Potter, sometimes feminist ramblings, and, shockingly, sometimes stuff in my actual real life.
There was also a brief stint as an editor on Saga Journal, the now-defunct academic Star Wars journal. I really miss that. I found the place, submitted an essay, and was immediately invited to be an editor. I already knew most of the site-runners from the Anakin/Padmé fandom on theforce.net. It was so fun! But we kind of ended up running out of the collective energy and time needed to keep running it, alas....I'm glad, at least, that I saved all the essays I wrote. Sigh.
Fandom is usually considered the domain of the young....unless you're talking about the pathetic 35-year-old still living in their parents' basement. Well, I'm not in my parents' basement, but I am, technically, an unemployed 34-year-old with a bunch of time to spare for rambling on the computer. However, I tend to keep it mostly restricted to lurking nowadays. I know once I venture into active fandom, I can't seem to help throwing myself into it whole-heartedly. It's best to restrain myself. The most I've done in recent times is posting fan fic for The Lizzie Bennet Diaries webseries. It was nice feeling the old thrill of instant, enthusiastic feedback, of mutual gushing about characters we all loved. I even set up a Tumblr account to follow some of that fandom, but that was solely for lurking purposes - I've never posted a single thing myself. When I see discussions get heated and intense and over-the-top, I think, "Yeah, lurking is much safer." It's also deeply sad to realize that, as I'm not a fan of this new Lucas-less trilogy, I might end up a taking on the role of a basher if I were to venture back into SW fandom in any real capacity. And that's the last thing I'd want to become.
Still, I can't help feeling wistful about the days of my most intense fangirling, the sheer joy of sharing squees with fellow fans, telling corny jokes that only make sense if you know every stupid detail of the movies, endless speculations and analyses...yes, those were good times.
If I recall correctly, my first real awareness of the very idea of fandoms came about when my older sister went through a heavy-duty Les Miserables phase. This was probably around 1996 or 97, when we were both in high school. She discovered fansites, and I watched in fascinated bemusement as she encountered hundreds and hundreds of fellow fanatics who had also memorized every lyric, who overanalyzed every character and debated points of opinion with endless passionate fervor. I thought it was pretty nuts, but then, my liking for Les Mis never quite reached that crazed fan level. (Also, I found everyone's super-knowledge a little intimidating. I hadn't read the book three times; how could I possibly keep up without embarrassing myself?)
But then came 1999, and the release of the first Star Wars movie in 16 years. I'd always loved Star Wars, and during a particularly intense phase in my junior high years, I watched the movies enough times to pretty much memorize them. Now the new movie ignited a sort of excitement I'd never known before. I started college that fall (enjoying multiple re-viewings of Episode I at our campus's dollar theater) and eventually became aware of theforce.net, which seemed like a Star Wars fan's dream. A place to gather - virtually at least - with thousands of like-minded fans? Awesome. I lurked there for quite a few months, trying to work up the courage to set up an account on the discussion forums. Even with the relatively safe anonymity of being online, my social anxieties were pretty crippling. I could easily imagine someone making fun of something I wrote, leading of course to my disgraced departure from human company and an exile to a cave somewhere in the mountains.
Instead, I found a discussion thread run by the Royal Handmaiden Society, which not only celebrated a handful of obscure female characters, one of my favorite things to do, but also seemed to consist of some of the nicest, most welcoming people I'd seen thus far online. As long as you professed your liking of Sabé, Rabé and all the others, you'd be just fine. So I made my very first online post there under the handle Cindé of Naboo. I quickly learned the code to use on the keyboard to type the é, and could readily identity which handmaiden was which, as well as which costume corresponded to each scene. (I still can, by the way, because there's a place in the brain explicitly designed to hold nothing but useless information).
Nothing disastrous had happened yet, so it seemed reasonable to venture tentatively outward. I posted here and there in discussions of the new movie, speculations about Episodes II and III, gushing about the glorious John Williams music...it was a giddy experience for me to interact with people who were just as obsessed with the films as I was. I probably neglected my share of homework while spending hours on the Internet, but, well, I still got decent grades, so I hadn't quite reached the level of non-functionality.
And then. I had lurked in the fan fiction forums for a while, awed by the notion that you could write your own in-universe stories and publish them. I was just a little too young to remember the era of fanzines, so this was my first real introduction to fanfic. I had, of course, been writing fics for years without knowing what it was called, or that anyone else did it. I just didn't usually write down what I composed in my head. Now I was reading other people's stuff and thinking "Um, I could write better than this!" So for the first time, I pulled up a new document on the computer and began typing it out.
I mean, it was kind of awful. My first fic was Episode III speculation about Amidala's (Padmé's, but I didn't know what name she'd be going by) estrangement from a Dark-Side Anakin. I called it Cold, in reference to Padmé's Episode I line "Space is cold," and it was dripping with melodramatic overwrought angst. Yikes. Though I hope my writing has improved, my inclinations have stayed pretty much the same. Well over half my SW fanfics fall into the category of Anakin/Padmé angst.
Anyway. I posted it, with considerable trepidation, and I got positive responses! Hey, people liked me and my writing! Wow! It was, to put it lightly, addictive. Writing stories about my adored characters was thrilling; getting immediate enthusiastic praise was even better. I churned out page after page of fanfic all through the summer between my freshman and sophomore year.
They weren't all serious angsty melodrama. There was a kind of Odd Couple spoof I wrote called "Sid and Palpy: the Sith Twins" which ignored the obvious fact that they were the same person, with the brothers fighting constantly and playing elaborate practical jokes on each other (also, there was Sidious's young apprentice, Molly). Total nonsense, and I loved it. I even wrote an extremely goofy parody of Mary Sue self-insert fics wherein I found myself transported to the Star Wars galaxy, and was extremely irritated therewith because I knew all the obnoxious fan fic clichés I would be forced to endure, like falling in love with Obi-Wan. I threw in appearances from my sisters, Papa Smurf, Kermit the Frog, and an increasingly depressed Tooth Fairy. It also included a surprise villain showing up with the Death Star under his control - Jar Jar Binks, who has changed his name to the far more dignified Jar. Evil Jar Jar theorists, take note: I was already toying with that idea back in the year 2000. (I never posted any of its prolonged absurdity, and I'm sorry to say it's lost on an old hard drive somewhere. But I sure had fun with it.)
Then the fic that I might be the most proud of explored a most unlikely character: again, Jar Jar Binks. Trying to stretch a bit from writing my preferred characters, I had attempted a fic from Palpatine's point of view. It wasn't great, but I enjoyed writing it enough that I started casting around for something even more challenging and outside my wheelhouse. Hey...if I could write from the viewpoint of such a maligned character as Jar Jar...if I could do it well enough to even generate some sympathy for him...that would be a worthy challenge indeed. I would write it within the frame of the queen having translated it, to eliminate the potential irritation of his speech patterns, and I would try to really delve into his thought process, the humiliation and terror and confusion he must be experiencing throughout the film.
I had a blast writing Another Point of View. I found myself appreciating his character more myself, and when I got positive responses from readers confessing that they might not really hate him anymore, it was extremely gratifying. I mean, it was tiny drop in an ocean, but whatever. I'll take it. I was proud enough that I included a link to the fic in my signature in all of my posts.
Gradually, my participation in the forums began to drop off. It wasn't deliberate, but there were several factors behind it. First off, I had begun dating my now-husband. Being a fanfic-writing Star Wars freak had certainly helped to gain his notice, as he'd never met a bigger fan than himself before, but once we became a couple, well, it was more fun to hang out with him than on the Internet. Plus, I was a fairly busy college student. And...Star Wars fandom was becoming just a bit frustrating. There seemed a larger and larger chasm between those who loved Episode I and those who didn't, and the bashers tended to be loud, unkind and contemptuous toward the gushers.
The truth was, I didn't know just how lucky I was to have avoided any seriously rancorous or R-rated stuff up to this point. I had entered into my first online fandom in a place that was "family friendly," at least in comparison to the venues that allowed extremely explicit fan fiction and such. I don't think my innocent 18-year-old self was even remotely aware of how, erm, hardcore, fan fiction could be. And I certainly didn't realize at first just how terrifyingly vituperative fandom wars could be. It was becoming more and more obvious that, though we were all Star Wars fans, we were by no means like-minded. It wasn't that I expected everyone to agree with me on every point, but it seemed reasonable not to nastily bash the things that others loved. Others didn't agree. Bit by bit, I posted less on theforce.net forums. I would wander back occasionally, but last I checked a few years back, they had changed the server and my old login didn't work anymore. I'm sad that I can't go back and retrieve the fan fics I don't have saved elsewhere. I think that sort of intense online fandom is....beyond my emotional capacity to cope with. I need to save that intensity for the things that actually matter. I'm in a far different place, being married with three children, than I was as a single college student.
Still, I'll always be a fangirl at heart, and I've found other venues. After drifting through a few different online spots that some of my fellow online SW fans had migrated to after theforce.net, I ended up here on Live Journal. I didn't really go looking for Star Wars groups; I was happy to just friend the people I'd known from other places, plus make a few new ones. It's quiet here, especially now that LJ has become less used in favor of other blogging and social media platforms, but I kind of like it that way (though I do miss the friends who don't really post here anymore.) I also like that I can post anything I want, sometimes Star Wars, sometimes Harry Potter, sometimes feminist ramblings, and, shockingly, sometimes stuff in my actual real life.
There was also a brief stint as an editor on Saga Journal, the now-defunct academic Star Wars journal. I really miss that. I found the place, submitted an essay, and was immediately invited to be an editor. I already knew most of the site-runners from the Anakin/Padmé fandom on theforce.net. It was so fun! But we kind of ended up running out of the collective energy and time needed to keep running it, alas....I'm glad, at least, that I saved all the essays I wrote. Sigh.
Fandom is usually considered the domain of the young....unless you're talking about the pathetic 35-year-old still living in their parents' basement. Well, I'm not in my parents' basement, but I am, technically, an unemployed 34-year-old with a bunch of time to spare for rambling on the computer. However, I tend to keep it mostly restricted to lurking nowadays. I know once I venture into active fandom, I can't seem to help throwing myself into it whole-heartedly. It's best to restrain myself. The most I've done in recent times is posting fan fic for The Lizzie Bennet Diaries webseries. It was nice feeling the old thrill of instant, enthusiastic feedback, of mutual gushing about characters we all loved. I even set up a Tumblr account to follow some of that fandom, but that was solely for lurking purposes - I've never posted a single thing myself. When I see discussions get heated and intense and over-the-top, I think, "Yeah, lurking is much safer." It's also deeply sad to realize that, as I'm not a fan of this new Lucas-less trilogy, I might end up a taking on the role of a basher if I were to venture back into SW fandom in any real capacity. And that's the last thing I'd want to become.
Still, I can't help feeling wistful about the days of my most intense fangirling, the sheer joy of sharing squees with fellow fans, telling corny jokes that only make sense if you know every stupid detail of the movies, endless speculations and analyses...yes, those were good times.
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no subject
Date: 2016-01-23 11:21 pm (UTC)The most sustained effort I made to create "fanworks" for the purpose of showing them others was writing MSTings, and I stuck it out there until that subset of the "Mystery Science Theater 3000 fandom" had pretty much dried up. I suppose Saga Journal itself sort of ground to a halt before I'd quite run out of ideas for essays to write, but I miss it too. There are discussions on different things I continue to follow to this day, but I'm still inclined to not say too much to anyone else. Of course, I also wish I was getting comments on my journal (here or on Dreamwidth...)
Just as a comment, do you keep track of the "Star Wars Prequel Appreciation Society?" It might be a little slice of fandom you could find interest in.
no subject
Date: 2016-01-25 12:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-01-25 09:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-01-26 01:34 pm (UTC)