More ROTS spoof

[matril]

Obi-Wan and Anakin are entering the observation deck. Palpatine glimpses them and hastily presses a button, pulling the binders over his wrists. They approach him.

ANAKIN
Are you all right?

PALPATINE
Marvelous, actually...just finished a hot fudge sundae, now I’m waiting for my full-body massage...er...I mean...it’s been just dreadful, being a helpless prisoner and all...very helpless…very much the prisoner...

OBI-WAN
Right...Let’s get you out of here, weird man.

PALPATINE
Can’t. Dooku.

OBI-WAN
Why is everybody sensing Sith Lords but me?

DOOKU
(Flipping down) I’d say something arrogant, but I’m doomed to die, seeing as how Palp – er, Darth Sidious – has set me up and all. Depressing, really.

ANAKIN
My powers have – wait, you’re going to die? Who’s going to replace you? Do you know if your master’s interested in younger, more powerful apprentices?

DOOKU
(Grumbling) Half the age, double the pay...little upstart punk...

Anakin, Obi-Wan and Dooku duel. Palaptine watches, cackling madly.

OBI-WAN
What was that?

PALPATINE
Er, nothing. I mean, who doesn’t love a good fight?

OBI-WAN
Hmm. (Dooku Force-pushes him senseless)

DOOKU
Eh, that’s not cruel and sithly enough. (He dumps a heavy metal structure on him)There, that’s more like it.

ANAKIN
(Enviously) Wow, you really are evil.

DOOKU
Thanks! Now, use your fear and anger to destroy me.

ANAKIN
Hmmm...take advice from a Sith Lord? Sounds good to me! (He lashes out and overcomes Dooku, slicing off his hands) Whee! Slicing off appendages is fun!

DOOKU
Ow.

PALPATINE
Good! (Cackles) Good! (Cackles louder) Good!

ANAKIN
That was weird. Like déjà vu, only...backwards.

PALPATINE
Kill him.

DOOKU
Excuuuse me?

PALPATINE
Kill him now.

ANAKIN
I shouldn’t.

DOOKU
No, you most certainly shouldn’t! This really stinks! I’ve been had!

PALPATINE
I haven’t the slightest idea what he’s talking about. Now kill him!

ANAKIN
Oh, all right. (He beheads Dooku)

PALPATINE
He was far too dangerous to be left alive.

DOOKU’S HEAD
You no-good dirty rotten double-crosser!

ANAKIN
Did you hear that?

PALPATINE
(Kicking Dooku’s head down a pit) Hear what?

ANAKIN
That was kind of naughty of me. It’s not the Jedi way.

PALPATINE
It was only natural. He cut off your arm, and you wanted revenge. Remember what you told me about your mother and the sandpeople? (Distant sound of braying sandpeople)

ANAKIN
Hey, how’d you do that?

PALPATINE
(Kicking away a hidden tape recorder) Do what? Well, toss Obi-Wan’s body in a trash receptacle, and we’ll be out –

ANAKIN
But he’s not dead!

PALPATINE
He isn’t? Oh, but I had no idea! I’m sooo sorry...how thoughtless of me...

ANAKIN
His fate will be the same as ours. (He picks up Obi-Wan)

PALPATINE
But he’s not going to be a Sith and take over the galaxy – er – I mean –

In the elevator
OBI-WAN
(Waking up) What the heck? Why are you upside down?

ANAKIN
You’re upside-down, Master. (Mutters) As wise as Yoda, my foot.

OBI-WAN
Oh. (The ship tilts and they fall up and down the elevator) Ugh...I’m going to be sick.

They run down a hallway, then – ray shields.

ANAKIN
Ray shields!

OBI-WAN
They already said that. Don’t point out the obvious.

ANAKIN
Sorry, master.

OBI-WAN
Now, how did this happen to us? We’re smarter than this.

ANAKIN
The reports of our intelligence were greatly exaggerated.

OBI-WAN
Ah! So what now?

ANAKIN
I’m counting on Artoo.

OBI-WAN
Oh, really?

ANAKIN
Are you going to go all anti-droid on me again?

OBI-WAN
No, I –

ANAKIN
Racist!

OBI-WAN
I –

ANAKIN
Bigot!

OBI-WAN
But I –

ANAKIN
Pig!

OBI-WAN
(Relieved) Well, look who’s here! Artoo, the hero! Brilliant!

ANAKIN
I think you’re being sarcastic.

OBI-WAN
Um...

ANAKIN
I know what you really think of droids, droid-hater!

OBI-WAN
Is it okay if I dislike battle droids?

ANAKIN
You’re splitting hairs!

OBI-WAN
Because they’re surrounding us right now.

ANAKIN
Aw, crud.

They are marched to General Grievous

GRIEVOUS
(Hacks and coughs for about ten minutes) Whew! Pardon me. So anyway...how’s it going, Lord Sidious?

PALPATINE
Er...you have mistaken me for someone else.

GRIEVOUS
Are you sure? Because I could have sworn...(Hacks and coughs for another ten minutes) Well, never mind. General Kenobi...the great negotiator...Skywalker...the great expectorator. I expected you to be older.

ANAKIN
(Wrinkling his nose) I expected you to be less smelly.

GRIEVOUS
(Affronted) Can I help it if my insides are rotting? You try and have most of your life support sustained by machines!

ANAKIN
Heheh...that’s a good one, Grievous.

GRIEVOUS
So, I’ll be taking your weapons, and –

ANAKIN
Artoo? (Artoo turns into an electric spasm-inducer and the Jedi have their weapons back in moments

GRIEVOUS
Darn. Well, I’ll just fly through this window here.

ANAKIN
Uh, Master? (As they grip the console to keep from getting sucked out)

OBI-WAN
What is it?

ANAKIN
Why aren’t we dead?

OBI-WAN
Suspension of disbelief.

ANAKIN
Ah.

GRIEVOUS
Heheh...time to abandon ship! Wow, where do I come up with these brilliant lines? (Hacks and coughs for another ten minutes).

OBI-WAN
Can you fly this thing?

ANAKIN
You mean, can I fly what’s left of it?

OBI-WAN
I thought you said this was no time for semantics!

ANAKIN
Right, well, I’m pretty much the best starpilot in the universe –

OBI-WAN
Galaxy, Anakin. Don’t exaggerate.

ANAKIN
Fine, then. Strap yourselves in. (The ship splits in half) I think we lost something.

OBI-WAN
Nice under-statement. Not to worry, we still have half a ship.

ANAKIN
Not to worry? Not to worry?! Half a ship here, fire out there, all crashing and no flying? When yousa thinking wesa should worry?! Er...I mean, we’re coming in too hot. (They land with a jolt.

OBI-WAN
Another happy landing.

PALPATINE
Speak for yourself. (He stumbles off and vomits in the corner, then mutters) The things I go through to get a Sith apprentice...

Comments

[lazypadawan.livejournal.com]

Heh heh, keep it coming!

[sreya.livejournal.com]

HA! Just the thing for an early morning laugh. I think my favorite line was "That was weird. Like déjà vu, only...backwards." Runner up is Palpatine kicking the tape recorder down a shaft. :~p

[matril.livejournal.com]

There's plenty more to come. ;)

[matril.livejournal.com]

A lot of the gags in this come from the fact that we already know what's going to happen; we know Palpatine is evil. :P

(Like your icon, BTW. "Never give up! Never surrender!")