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Entry tags:
Motherhood, marriage, and whatever else pops into my head
I haven't had much intelligent to post about lately, so I've kind of slacked off, but I'm in cheery mood today and I think I can ramble on in a semi-coherent manner. First off, I had a great Mother's Day. My husband let me sleep in, brought me breakfast in bed, and (squeals of delight) bought me a sewing machine! I've wanted one for some time, but they're so hideously expensive for such poor folk as us. However, he managed to find one used, in great shape, and it's even the same brand that my mom has, so I'm reasonably familiar with it. I haven't really used a machine since I've been married, so I'm probably going to be rusty at first. Once I get the hang of it again, though, I hope to start churning out costumes and garb and other such things that you can never find in a store, no matter how many places in the mall are devoted to the varied themes of fashion, wear or apparel. :P
My day was made even better when, after church, we picked up Luke at his class and he had made me a necklace out of noodles. Oh, he didn't know he was making it for me, he just likes putting things on strings, but when I took it and put it on, he didn't protest. It's the first Mother's Day gift he's actively made for me. And even more miraculously, he actually participated in the coloring activity, scrawling all over his paper with crayons. He hasn't shown interest in crayons in, oh, two years. Might I see a glimmer of hope on the horizon? I'm going to believe so.
Oh, yes, and our other child, the one who's normal. ;P Emma is astounding. She manages words like "dinosaur" without any tongue-tripping. She still has a few adorable mispronunciations ("Piserman" for Spiderman) but she can be quite intelligible even to strangers. And she generates quite lengthy sentences, sometimes with confused syntax, but good grief, she's two years old and she's well on her way to fluency. It really is a great gift after all our struggles with Luke's language acquisition.
A topic I've been considering a lot lately, related to parenting, is marriage. Specifically, what makes a marriage successful and happy. Now, we just celebrated our fifth anniversary, so I really can't call myself an expert by any stretch, but I know what's worked for us so far, and I think we have a pretty darn good relationship on most days. I think one single rule can sum up what makes it work.
It's just one simple concept, but it's really hard to put into practice: always put your spouse first. Always. Think of their needs, their happiness, before your own. Sounds scary, maybe even foolish? Welll, here's the thing. If both spouses are doing it, then both of them will be put first. Both of them will have their needs met, both will be fulfilled. But if either one of them isn't putting forth the effort while the other is, then it's very bad. It turns into a master-servant relationship, and that's not healthy. It has to be done right, or not at all. Now of course it doesn't have to be constantly perfect. Of course you're allowed to think of yourself. And of course I haven't followed this rule to the letter every second of these last five years, and yet somehow we've managed to have a generally happy marriage. If both partners make it their general rule, the marriage has a much higher chance of success.
Along with that, of course, it's essential that you communicate your needs and wants with each other, or you'll just be sitting there angrily, thinking, "Why isn't he/she doing this? Don't they want to help me to be happy?" If they don't know you want it, they can't do it! Some of the worst conflicts in marriage come from people assuming that their spouse thinks the same way they do, taking it for granted that they have the same assumptions and pre-conceived notions, and take horrible offense when the spouse doesn't act accordingly. So talk it out, don't assume. But it all comes back to looking out for the other. Too many people, I'm afraid, go into marriage thinking of what they're going to get out of it, seeing things through a selfish world-view. Marriage isn't about personal advantage. It's not a business deal or a contract that declares "this is what each partner gets out of this deal." Marriage is about making someone else happy. And you, in turn, should gain happiness as well, but if that's what you're focusing on, everything fall out of balance. No wonder when marriages do fall apart, the divorce focuses on who gets what, on money and possessions and junk that has very little to do with real marriage. It is fundamentally selfish, and it cannot result in happiness. Being unselfish, both spouses together, is a wonderful thing. It's hard, it's scary to put so much trust in another person, but when it works, it's the best thing in the world.
My day was made even better when, after church, we picked up Luke at his class and he had made me a necklace out of noodles. Oh, he didn't know he was making it for me, he just likes putting things on strings, but when I took it and put it on, he didn't protest. It's the first Mother's Day gift he's actively made for me. And even more miraculously, he actually participated in the coloring activity, scrawling all over his paper with crayons. He hasn't shown interest in crayons in, oh, two years. Might I see a glimmer of hope on the horizon? I'm going to believe so.
Oh, yes, and our other child, the one who's normal. ;P Emma is astounding. She manages words like "dinosaur" without any tongue-tripping. She still has a few adorable mispronunciations ("Piserman" for Spiderman) but she can be quite intelligible even to strangers. And she generates quite lengthy sentences, sometimes with confused syntax, but good grief, she's two years old and she's well on her way to fluency. It really is a great gift after all our struggles with Luke's language acquisition.
A topic I've been considering a lot lately, related to parenting, is marriage. Specifically, what makes a marriage successful and happy. Now, we just celebrated our fifth anniversary, so I really can't call myself an expert by any stretch, but I know what's worked for us so far, and I think we have a pretty darn good relationship on most days. I think one single rule can sum up what makes it work.
It's just one simple concept, but it's really hard to put into practice: always put your spouse first. Always. Think of their needs, their happiness, before your own. Sounds scary, maybe even foolish? Welll, here's the thing. If both spouses are doing it, then both of them will be put first. Both of them will have their needs met, both will be fulfilled. But if either one of them isn't putting forth the effort while the other is, then it's very bad. It turns into a master-servant relationship, and that's not healthy. It has to be done right, or not at all. Now of course it doesn't have to be constantly perfect. Of course you're allowed to think of yourself. And of course I haven't followed this rule to the letter every second of these last five years, and yet somehow we've managed to have a generally happy marriage. If both partners make it their general rule, the marriage has a much higher chance of success.
Along with that, of course, it's essential that you communicate your needs and wants with each other, or you'll just be sitting there angrily, thinking, "Why isn't he/she doing this? Don't they want to help me to be happy?" If they don't know you want it, they can't do it! Some of the worst conflicts in marriage come from people assuming that their spouse thinks the same way they do, taking it for granted that they have the same assumptions and pre-conceived notions, and take horrible offense when the spouse doesn't act accordingly. So talk it out, don't assume. But it all comes back to looking out for the other. Too many people, I'm afraid, go into marriage thinking of what they're going to get out of it, seeing things through a selfish world-view. Marriage isn't about personal advantage. It's not a business deal or a contract that declares "this is what each partner gets out of this deal." Marriage is about making someone else happy. And you, in turn, should gain happiness as well, but if that's what you're focusing on, everything fall out of balance. No wonder when marriages do fall apart, the divorce focuses on who gets what, on money and possessions and junk that has very little to do with real marriage. It is fundamentally selfish, and it cannot result in happiness. Being unselfish, both spouses together, is a wonderful thing. It's hard, it's scary to put so much trust in another person, but when it works, it's the best thing in the world.
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