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Drabbles #29
*gasp* I only have two more drabbles to write? It went so fast! Well, here's a nice juicy angsty one. Tomorrow I'll probably finish on a more sunshiny note. ;)
Fractured
-------
Fragments of her life, irreparable.
Playing with doomed refugee children, willfully blind to their inevitable fate. Running carefree, in the fields of Lake Country with Anakin, for the first time since childhood. Telling her parents in a state of adult-like solemnity that she wanted to join the Youth Legislature. Placing her hand in Anakin's metal one in defiance of every choice she had made up till that point. Ascending to her queenship with the private oath that she would forever put others' needs ahead of her own. Sharing a kiss with Anakin that was fundamentally selfish, a disavowal of the oath in every way.
Nightmares.
Her home plunged into war, compassionless droids swarming the streets of Theed. Anakin, his face torn betwen rage and self-hatred as the horrible story of the massacre forced its way through his lips. The pain when she refused his pleas. It would destroy us. The pain when she first freely gave her heart to him, and knew that death would render it all meaningless within moments. Dying a little bit each day...
Dying.
She had lived her life in pieces. Amidala or Padmé. Queen or girl. Senator or woman. There was no reconciliation, no way to hold all the pieces together. With Anakin, she had thought to find completion. But there was no such thing. She could not be happy and also be selfless.
Her love for Anakin was poison. It had poisoned him. Now it choked her, burned like a consuming fire in her veins. It would spread to her children and destroy their lives before they had even been born.
She had one last chance. Complete sacrifice. She didn't have the right to be happy. Let her children go on without her, free from the poison their mother carried. Safe from the man she still loved in spite of all sense or wisdom, all hope.
It was so hard to breathe. The weight of all her wrong choices pressed upon her like suffocation. Fractured, her thoughts stumbled from one black place to another. She could have lived differently. He could have done differently. That was the worst part, the most painful thing that finally took her last breath. Choice. This was not, had not been, their inevitable fate. Anakin wasn't born for darkness; at his core he was good. That realization made every pain worse.
"There is good in him..." she whispered against the approaching darkness of death. Even Anakin had not been able to withstand the dark. What hope could possibly remain? "I know...there's still..."
Her head dropped in eternal regret.
Fractured
-------
Fragments of her life, irreparable.
Playing with doomed refugee children, willfully blind to their inevitable fate. Running carefree, in the fields of Lake Country with Anakin, for the first time since childhood. Telling her parents in a state of adult-like solemnity that she wanted to join the Youth Legislature. Placing her hand in Anakin's metal one in defiance of every choice she had made up till that point. Ascending to her queenship with the private oath that she would forever put others' needs ahead of her own. Sharing a kiss with Anakin that was fundamentally selfish, a disavowal of the oath in every way.
Nightmares.
Her home plunged into war, compassionless droids swarming the streets of Theed. Anakin, his face torn betwen rage and self-hatred as the horrible story of the massacre forced its way through his lips. The pain when she refused his pleas. It would destroy us. The pain when she first freely gave her heart to him, and knew that death would render it all meaningless within moments. Dying a little bit each day...
Dying.
She had lived her life in pieces. Amidala or Padmé. Queen or girl. Senator or woman. There was no reconciliation, no way to hold all the pieces together. With Anakin, she had thought to find completion. But there was no such thing. She could not be happy and also be selfless.
Her love for Anakin was poison. It had poisoned him. Now it choked her, burned like a consuming fire in her veins. It would spread to her children and destroy their lives before they had even been born.
She had one last chance. Complete sacrifice. She didn't have the right to be happy. Let her children go on without her, free from the poison their mother carried. Safe from the man she still loved in spite of all sense or wisdom, all hope.
It was so hard to breathe. The weight of all her wrong choices pressed upon her like suffocation. Fractured, her thoughts stumbled from one black place to another. She could have lived differently. He could have done differently. That was the worst part, the most painful thing that finally took her last breath. Choice. This was not, had not been, their inevitable fate. Anakin wasn't born for darkness; at his core he was good. That realization made every pain worse.
"There is good in him..." she whispered against the approaching darkness of death. Even Anakin had not been able to withstand the dark. What hope could possibly remain? "I know...there's still..."
Her head dropped in eternal regret.
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