matril

Very tentatively, I will venture to state that Emma is talking. Just little one-word utterances, but we've heard some words very clearly: "no" "door" "shoe" among others. I am tentative because I spent a year and half trying to convince myself that Luke's scant language development was going to burst into fluency any day, and it was absolute torture when I realized I was in denial. I'm frankly frightened to allow myself to hope that Emma will follow the typical course of langauge development. I don't know if I can bear to have that hope crushed again. But living without hope isn't healthy either. I mean, I'm still hoping that Luke will figure out that tricky knack of putting two words together, even though he's and year and half older than the age when most children do it. I'm not giving up on him. I just don't know if I can do it all over again with Emma.

On the other hand, my expectations are vastly different now. I honestly don't care if "mommy" is Emma's fifth word or hundreth. Luke STILL doesn't regularly call me by name, so if Emma ever does it at all with any frequency, it will be cause for rejoicing. I wanted my kids to be reading by age four because that's when I did, but now I'll just be glad for it at any age. The other day a friend of ours was babysitting our kids and when we came to pick them up, she was glad to report that Emma had been letting out a constant stream of words. "I bet she's gifted," she said confidently. And it wasn't a jibe at Luke, because she's certain that he's brilliant as well, just through the lens of autism. But I cringe at the word "gifted" because every one of my siblings was labeled as such and I wasn't. I really despise terms of that ilk, mostly from sour grapes probably, but I just don't feel it's very helpful to use such broadly categorizing terms. If I think of Emma as gifted, I'll be disappointed when she doesn't fulfill all of my expectations of a gifted child. On the other hand, it does help to know that Luke is autistic because I understand better why he has trouble with language and socialization. I don't think I'm making much sense here. I just want to be happy with my children, to hope they'll reach their full potential and to do everything I can to help them, and to be able to deal with it if they don't. Yeah, that's all. Just the small little desire to have a perfect life. :P

On the other hand, physical prowess is hardly an issue. Luke was right on schedule with walking; Emma was a little later but she's an old pro now, having pretty well left crawling behind. She's starting to climb too, and she has her brother's example to learn all the tricks about getting up where she wants to. They're both a pair of monkeys.

Boredom + livejournal = Blathering about assorted topics until my fingers get tired. :D

-Emma had a blood test at the doctor's. That was pretty miserable, holding her down while they stuck a needle in her arm and filled several vials with it. I couldn't watch; I focused on Emma's face and tried to soothe her. But hopefully the results will show that she's a hale and healthy baby who just happens to have scrawny genes, and that the anemia's just a minor, easily fixable conditon.

-I dislike diamond rings. First of, I don't care for diamonds; I don't think they're particulary pretty compared to other gems, and they're so absurdly expensive. Secondly, I hate any sort of gender stereotypes, and the notion that all girls must love diamonds, like it's coded onto the X chromosome or something, just makes me cringe. I let my husband know this, when we were discussing marriage, and explained the sort of ring I'd much rather have - pure, unbroken gold. You know, like the One Ring. :) Most designs of engagement rings look to me just so screamingly Modern - nothing like a magic item from a fantasy tale (which is, of course, the most important qualification for any piece of jewelry). Those spidery claws with cold, colorless diamonds sticking out of them just don't do it for me, particularly when it's platinum instead of gold - yech. Gold has life to its hue; platinum looks dead. So anyway, when my husband went in to get my engagement/wedding ring (One ring to rule them all, you know) no one believed that I really didn't want a diamond. He'd tell them he was looking for a simple band of gold, and they just scoffed. "She's lying." "She's testing to see if you can find her the perfect ring." "All girls want diamonds." Excuse me, but do all girls play such tricks with the men they're going to spend their lives with?? If that's really the case, I'm really thoroughly ashamed of my gender. Stupid flirty games - don't tell him what you want, just expect him to read your mind and then get mad at him when he can't? Sorry, this rant is going on in all sorts of directions. But in the end I'm just honestly baffled that other girls base the ring's value on the number of carots or what-have-you...in the end, it's just another ring with a hunk of a colorless pointy stone sticking off of it like an insect's eye, and for the life of me I can't figure out why I'm the only one who finds it aesthetically blah.

-The house across our street is for sale, and they had an open house today. It's way, way, way out of our price range, and we will likely need to find another rental for our next move - even a small house is probably at least a few years off. But it was nice to dream. Gorgeous place: four bedrooms, three bathrooms, very roomy master bedroom with a oversize tub in the master bathroom, dining room and kitchen with at least twice as much room as our presnt one, a great big fenced-in yard, a garage...sigh. The place we have now has suited us nicely for two years; I can't complain too much about it. But the bathroom's a closet, and one of the bedrooms can only be entered through the other bedroom; and besides, I hate throwing rent into a bottomless pit. And I hate moving, so I wish our next move could be more permanent. Oh, well. Let's see about my husband finding a job and all that first.

-We had an ant infestation this spring. They were all over the kitchen, climbing on counters and swarming under the table where Emma always provided fresh food for them from her highchair tray. When they got near the sink, we'd spray them with the water and watch them drown. Excuse my sadism, but it was morbidly satisfying to see their little drowned bodies. It's hard to have sympathy for creatures that are taking over your house. We got some ant traps now, and they seem to be working. The disturbingly funny part? I found them in the same aisle in the grocery store that sells pet food and kitty litter. So I guess the aisle is divided between how you like your animals - pampered and groomed, or dead.

-Speaking of spring, the warm weather has come back with a vengeance. I think we're actually in summer mode now, after a week or so of cold rain. It's funny how abruptly the seasons seem to shift here; last year it was the same, just after Emma was born. I moped that it was too cold for her to wear her cute little warm weather clothes from the baby shower, and then all of the sudden it was too hot for her to wear much more than a diaper. Apparently the man next door feels this fashion is appropriate for his age group as well, since he's been sitting around outside without a shirt or much more than his underwear for the past few days. I wouldn't care for his immodesty even if he had a muscled body, but - er - muscled is the last word I would use to describe him.

-We went bowling yesterday, with the kids. It was a blast! Luke caught on to the idea pretty quickly, and was soon rolling balls down the lane and watching them slowly, slowly edge their way to the pins and knock a few down. I'd never done candlepin bowling before, which is pretty much the only kind in New England, and I think I actually prefer it. It seems to actually work better if the ball isn't moving too fast. And I'm too wimpy to throw the full-sized ball with much force, but I actually got a spare and a strike on my first try at candlepin. Of course, we had the bumpers up, so I assume I wouldn't perform quite as well otherwise. Also, Emma was a litle overwhelmed by the noise and sights, though she did try to throw the balls a few times before realizing they were too heavy.

That's all.

I just feel like blathering a bit, with no particular direction. So, in the order that they pop into my brain, here are my thoughts:

( Randomness begins here )

I've had these lyrics from Children of Eden running through my head a lot lately:

I used to think it was
The spark of creation
Or was it just a defect in me?
A flaw in my nature?
And now look what I've done
I've passed it to my son...

( So I was thinking... )