matril: (matril)
Today was the first day of school for Ryan and Emma. Ryan's starting third-grade at the school down the street, so I'll be walking him down there every day just like I did for him and Emma last year. My tiny little daughter, however, is starting middle school.
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Aug. 2nd, 2016 02:59 pm
matril: (matril)
A few months ago, we bought a swing set for our backyard - a first, since we've never had a yard to put one in before. Luke loves swinging, so we made sure to find a really big sturdy set that wasn't intended for only 80 pound kids and under. We found a great one (not cheap, but that's why we have funding for Luke) and put it together during a single long afternoon after Mark got home from work. The kids love it.
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Mar. 11th, 2016 04:05 pm
matril: (matril)
I find myself in a bit of a slump, writing-wise. This has happened before and will doubtless happen again, yet it always hits me hard.
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The Abyss

Feb. 13th, 2016 05:14 pm
matril: (matril)
I'm going to take a rare break from Star Wars or motherhood related topics (don't worry; it won't last long ;) to explore something quite different: addiction. I've had the interesting experience of being asked to help with some addiction recovery groups that my church runs, and the involvement has been highly illuminating. I feel like anyone who hasn't encountered addiction, either themselves or by knowing an addict, probably has a lot of misconceptions about what it really is and what it means for the addict. I know I certainly did. Here's just a few things I've learned. All of this is, of course, just my own personal observations and nothing remotely professional or official.

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matril: (matril)
It's downright alarming how fast everything can change. When I last wrote a post here, less than five months ago, we were comfortably settled in our rental, preparing for a relatively laid-back summer vacation.

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matril: (matril)
I have too much free time.

This has been a problem since I graduated from college. Luke was about three months old then, and I was eager to do what I'd always planned on doing - devote the bulk of my time to parenting, while any remaining time could be spent on the solitary activities I loved. Reading, writing, jigsaw puzzles, music. I like solitary activities. And that hasn't changed. But it is possible, shockingly, to get too much of a good thing.

Even with a baby, I wasn't as busy as I thought I'd be, because we had to live with my parents for a year while my husband applied to grad schools. I was extremely grateful to my parents for letting us stay with them, but it was rough for all of us. I felt like I'd moved backwards in terms of adult behavior. I had no household of my own. I went from full-time classes to almost no scheduled stuff at all. I have self-disicpline when someone else is setting the deadlines and responsibilities, but it turns out that when it's all up to me, I become very lazy.

Well, then we moved to Massachusetts for grad school, got our own place again, and then I was pregnant with Emma. It got better, with a house of my own to tend to and two children and so on, but in spite of what I'd heard every other mother say, I still had more free time then than I did at any other point in my life (other than, I assume, those few years before I started kindergarten that I don't remember). When Luke started school, there was even more free time. Ryan was born, things were busier, but they all grew and became more independent, and now, in September, they will all be at school all day long.

What in the world am I going to do with myself? And how can I complain about it when everyone else in the world is insanely busy and hates me for complaining about the opposite problem? I've been there; I've been so busy I could barely take a breath, and thought longingly of having just a single day without a packed schedule. My past self would probably hate me too. But here I am.

I do love having ample time for reading, writing, puzzles, music - you can add yarnwork to the list now that I've learned to knit and crochet. I have tons of ideas for writing lately, particularly since I've gotten into a new fandom and churned out buckets of fanfic. I have a novel that, with some revision, might be ready to send out queries for. But even I, an extreme introvert, can only fill so much of the day with solitary activities.

There are the necessities - dishes, laundry, cleaning - that I'll do when I have to but never gleefully. I don't look forward to having everyone else out of the house so I can go and tackle that pile of clutter. Oh, sure, there's enough clutter that I could probably spend several straight days on clearing it out. That sounds perfectly horrifying. I can spend maybe an hour, at most, on cleaning before wanting to flee.

A job? Yech. My pitiful qualifications would limit me to standing behind a cash register. I did that for about a year, and it was sucking the life out of me. Yes, I need to get out of the house and interact with people. Even I recognize that, much as I'm inclined toward the hermit lifestyle. But is there any way to have mild, comfortable interaction without tremendous effort on my part? No one is going to come to my door to randomly befriend me. I have to reach out to people. That's terrifying. No one is going to reach out to me because they don't know I need it, but an irrational part of me says it's because they don't want to interact with me.

Oh, and most other people are busy during the day with, you know, jobs and parenting and important things.

I don't want to be a complete ingrate. I feel very, very fortunate that our financial circumstances aren't so dire that we need a dual income, and that my husband supports my desire to be at home for our kids. I'm very happy to have kids and be a mother. I love our house even if I don't keep it pristine and tidy and full of cutesy crafty decorations. Overall, I'm glad I have the life I'm living. It's just.... you know.

Ideal scenario? I get a literary agent, start getting publishing deals, and suddenly my hobby becomes my career. Then I'll go on book signings and such, which would provide social interaction in just the sort of venue I'd appreciate. Until then, I'm going to be squirming here at home, somewhere in between fear of the outside world and boredom with the inward.
matril: (Default)
Obviously, it is not my destiny to see Star Wars in concert. D: If it were just the matter of getting my wisdom teeth pulled the day before, or just the matter of recovering from a sprained ankle so it would be hard for me to walk around Boston, or just having my kids getting over some sort of flu, or just needing to get up early the next day....any one of those conditions, and I might be able to justify it. But all of those things converging in one weekend? No, I will have resign myself to sitting at home Saturday night and listening to Star Wars music while I cry.



Apr. 28th, 2008 08:21 pm
matril: (Default)
I have lots of reasons to be cheerful and grateful today, but instead I'm grousing. Happiness really is a state of mind, isn't it?

Good news and bad )
matril: (Default)
Some jerk stole our credit card number, so we have to cancel the card and all that hassle. Thank goodness the company noticed something was off and alerted us to it. I'm very peeved about it though. The main purchase was something on an online RX store...seems to be a prescription drugs addict. That's just so, so sad.

Luke's birthday is coming up this week! We've bought some clothes for him, but we figured in terms of toys he doesn't really need too many presents - he just got a big pile for Christmas, and he's not anticipating anything at all. So we were looking to get him one big present - one of those little trampolines with the handle, the kind for little kids. He's already been using all the beds and sofa as trampolines, so we might as well get him a real one, right? The trouble is, we can't find any at the toy stores, and now thanks to Mr. Credit-Card-Stealing-Druggie we can't really buy anything online in time for it to arrive by his birthday. Oh, well. Maybe next time.

I finished an edit of my first novel - just small tweaks here and there, but after 300+ pages (530 in Courier font) it was starting to get a little tedious. Now I'm hoping to get my husband to give it one more read-through, and then maybe, just maybe....I'll submit to someone. Maybe. Ulp...

Things are pretty sparse on the job front for my husband. His current position finishes at the end of the month when the teacher returns from maternity leave. Not too many schools are hiring for the beginning of February. However, there's a few options that might get us through the end of the school year, if one of them works out...and then comes the search for a 2007-2008 position. There will be more things available then, I'm sure, but on the other hand there will be a lot more teachers applying. It's going to be another nerve-wracking summer....


Nov. 13th, 2006 05:19 pm
matril: (Default)
I'll get to my drabble in a minute, but first of all, I've had a rather interesting day. This morning I finally got to a support group for parents of autistic children. I've been wanting to go, but having no car during the day made it pretty well impossible. However, today my mother-in-law was able to drive me up there. It was a good meeting. Only four other people there, which kind of surprised me - I'm sure there's more parents than that in the area who need support. Most of them had some pretty challenging situations - single parenthood, multiple children with disabilities of some sort of another - it was illuminating. I know I have many challenges ahead of me with Luke, but there's always hope that he'll progress to some extent. And just seeing Emma learn to talk at the typical age is a blessing, knowing that she could just as easily have faced the same delays as her brother.

Then I got home and found two messages from the school nurse. Darn. Luke has a minor cold, but more than that he woke up far too early and was so tired he fell asleep on the way to school. He was too cranky when he woke up. So I picked him up, brought him home, and actually got him to take a nap. Emma napped too. I could have gotten many things done then, if I hadn't also fallen asleep myself. :P This afternoon was naptime for everyone, I guess. It's already dark now, which is kind of a bummer. What happened to my day? Oh, well. Time to write my drabble. Lucky 13!


Oct. 20th, 2006 09:12 pm
matril: (Default)
I just feel like blathering, so I'll write whatever comes into my head.

Blathers )

'Kay, I'm done for now.


May. 11th, 2006 10:05 am
matril: (Default)
After my soul-baring entry yesterday, I'm fortunately it a more buoyant mood today. I felt like jotting down a little amusing lexicon of the made-up words my husband and I have use around each other; their meanings have just kind of sprung up without ever being explicitly defined, and it's like a little mini-dialect that only our family shares. Whee! (I'll probably add more as I think of them.)

Lexicological Adventures )

So Luke is still coughing today, but I think it's not as bad or frequent as yesterday. Perhaps he'll get in one more day of school before the weekend. He'll be missing school on Monday, but for a nicer reason - my husband is graduating! :D

In other news, my father-in-law called up to wish my husband a Happy Birthday on Saturday, and ended up helping to fix whatever was wrong with our computer. Not only that, but when my husband mentioned in passing that I'd really enjoy Photoshop, his dad said they had a bunch extra copies lying around and he'd be glad to send one to us. Consider it a birthday present for both of us, he birthday's not till July, but never mind. :D It came yesterday, and as soon as I get it installed I'm going to be in trouble. If I don't practice self-control I'll spend hours making icon after icon after icon...
matril: (Default)
...and why, oh why, did you have the start celebrating your birthday at two in the morning by waking up and screaming for two straight hours? Sigh...I absolutely refused to nurse her back to sleep, because I don't want her thinking she can continue waking up like this and get rewarded for it. My husband thinks I'm being stubborn; I hope I'm being wise. But as sleep-deprived as I am right now, I'm wondering if he was right. Blech. Of course Luke woke up too, and wouldn't go back to sleep unless one of use was with him. He's going to be thoroughly exhausted at pre-school today.

So spotty sleep resulted in a bunch of odd dreams. I dreamt I was visiting Jurassic Park, where some of the dinosaurs resembled giant toy trucks. A scientist said they had acccidently mixed the DNA with some truck formulas. I responded that that was the stupidest thing I ever heard. Also I disapproved of letting a child work the computer systems. Seems I've taken to Deconstructionism in my dreams.

Well, sleep deprivation aside, I'm glad that my baby girl is one year old today.
Waxing nostalgic )
matril: (Default)
I've had these lyrics from Children of Eden running through my head a lot lately:

I used to think it was
The spark of creation
Or was it just a defect in me?
A flaw in my nature?
And now look what I've done
I've passed it to my son...

So I was thinking... )
matril: (Default)
Because if they weren't, it would be really hard to keep being patient with them. As it is, I'm barely containing my frustrations. Emma will be a year old at the end of the month. SHE DOES NOT NEED TO WAKE UP TO FEED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ANYMORE. Yeah, I'm a little sleep deprived. She wakes up screaming at 1:00 and absolutely refuses to calm down unless I feed her. I know she doesn't need it at her age; Luke didn't when he was one. In fact, he pretty well weaned himself. I should have known I wouldn't get so lucky with every child. Emma is definitely going to fight being weaned. But I'm exhausted. I can't go that much longer if I want to maintain any semblance of sanity.

But on the other hand...she took her first step yesterday! Absolutely adorable, lunging forward and then immediately falling to her knees again, because after all, crawling's so much easier. You see I just can't stay angry at her. That's how she gets away with so much.

And Luke...simultaneously going through the usual stubbornness of a three-year-old and the frustrations of being autistic. So not only does he want his breakfast a very particular way, but he wants to do it himself and yet can't communicate any of the particulars because of his language delay. It's hard to keep my sympathy and compassion going when his ear-piercing shriek makes me want to tape his mouth shut. Yet...there he goes, singing "Row Row Row your Boat" without knowing any real words but getting the notes exactly right, and charming me so much I can't stay mad. Lucky for both of us. If only there were a language made up of musical notes; he could be fluent in it.


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